Dear Dategirl, How do you recommend getting over a crush/obsession—aka the guy you mistakenly thought was "the one" before you even went on a date he sort of asked you on but never followed up on? We've been "just friends" for more than two years...although he did kiss me once, but blamed it on the Ecstasy and I called him on the inappropriateness. Anyway, I've decided no more! After being treated to a make-out session in front of me with his new lady love (whom he refers to as "the one") at a party, and generally being fed up with the situation, I'm thinking that maybe my feelings for him are interfering with me meeting someone new. I've tried all kinds of things: meditation, self-medication, starting new hobbies, speed dating, Internet dating, picking up guys in bars, and repeatedly dating guys with whom I have zero chemistry. I've also done the "taking a break" thing. I cut off all contact with him for almost eight months last year, but then I fell off the wagon last spring, and I've been miserable ever since. You should also know that, sadly, we are not in high school or our 20s; we are two immature thirtysomething-year-olds. Yes, it's pathetic. Other than resorting to voodoo or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tactics, how do I get over this guy? And this doesn't have anything to do with "needing to find my inner space" or "taking some time to get to know and love myself." I've been very single for a very long time (serious health problems put my love life on a back burner for about three years). I think exorcising this guy would be a great help to me.Obsessive Clueless Desperado
Woman, you need to jump back on that wagon. Don't see him, don't call him. Declare a news blackout on all things him-related. If you two frequent the same bars, find yourself a new local. If you need to walk by his house on your way to work, come up with a new route. Cold turkey, my friend. It's painful, but it's the only way. We ladies like to think that because we're hung up on someone for an extremely long time, somehow this means that we're meant to be with him. We ladies are wrong. I suspect your relationship retardation is due to having been out of action for three years. That's a long time to put the heart/cooter on the back burner. So when you met someone who got both bits revved up after all that inaction, you attached way more importance to him than he actually warranted. Remember your first love? Remember how torturous that was? (I personally spent countless teen-hours sobbing along to the Buzzcocks' "I Believe.") This guy is your second first love. Thank him (silently) for reminding you that you are a person capable of love and fucking, and then fold up the memory of him and put it into deep storage. Oh, and just like the first time—getting over him is going to take a while. Maybe a long while. I'm not going to feed you any bullshit about "finding yourself"—you're over 30. If you don't know who you are, you need more help than I can give you. What I do suggest is that you try to make peace with the idea that you might never meet anyone. I don't mean that to sound quite as depressing as it does, but I personally found out that once I quit looking at every joker who crossed my path as a potential boyfriend/husband, I lightened up. A lot. Concentrate on making yourself happy. If you hate your job, leave it. Think your ass is too fat? Go to a gym and quit with the Twinkies. I'm not suggesting you "fall in love with yourself," just turn yourself into someone you don't want to punch each morning. Oh, and masturbation is your friend. Once you sand down the edge of desperation that I'm hearing through your words, you'll find it a lot easier to meet a decent guy. Seriously. Nobody likes a leg-humper. Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.