This Week's Horoscope

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

This is a terrible time to crash diet (as if any time was great for that kind of thing). I know you just had Thanksgiving and all, and with the holidays approaching, you're worried about the extra pounds piling up. But the drastic measures you're likely to be drawn to at the moment are a really awful idea. Feel free to implement any sensible, moderate plans of action, but anything that smacks of a get-rich-quick scheme, designed to get results fast, just won't work, and it'll probably leave you worse off than when you started.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

The days are getting mighty short—depending on your schedule, you might not get much sunlight on any given day. That's depressing—literally. Please don't underestimate how much good a little natural daylight could do for you. So many of your problems would be easier to contend with if you had more vim and vigor. Where do vim and vigor come from? Not from fluorescent lighting, that's for sure. Go outside! A daily morning walk could do wonders for your mental health. Specifically block out some time in your schedule to get your dose of sunlight-induced happiness—in my opinion, it's better than Prozac.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Whoa, what's this? The stage is empty and the spotlight is standing vacant. Sure, the theater may only be half-full and no one's waiting with bated breath, exactly—but it's still an opportunity. This week you have a great chance to break into a new scene and get noticed. Perhaps that's because some of the usual big fish are currently off swimming in other ponds. So what? Take advantage of the opening. Get your ass up into that spotlight! The extra attention may not last, but it sure wouldn't hurt to start things off with an unforgettable bang.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Has your life felt slightly lackluster of late? Where have all the colorful characters who usually populate your little fable gone, the contortionists and pie-in-the-face fetishists and bearded drag queens? Your guess is as good as mine; my good news isn't about their return. I'm here to remind you of a talent you've always had but haven't properly practiced in months or years: the ability to step into the role of colorful character yourself, and thus provide your own entertainment. Go on. I'm sure you can come up with a pair of muttonchops and a ball gown, at least. See what fun you can make with that.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

This is an abysmal time for big changes, Aries. You're always capable of drastic action, but at the moment it's not likely to get you where you hoped to go. There are simply too many factors you can't control; by the time you're done zanily swerving around them, you'll have driven yourself to a location you've never heard of, not on any map. That, of course, could be its own adventure, but I'm guessing you're more focused than that right now, and would actually like to arrive within hitchhiking distance of your destination. If that's the case, foot-to-the-floor acceleration and crazy stunt-car maneuvers are a terrible idea—slow and steady will win this race.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Vagueness irritates you, doesn't it? You don't usually have time for anyone who can't be bothered to make up his mind and be considerate enough to give a straight answer about it. It's a wonder you've put up with one of these flaky wafflers for so long. This week your tolerance may find its limit, however. Please resist the urge to grab this scatterbrain between hem and haw and shake him until he says something conclusive. It won't do any good (and could get you into trouble). Instead, walk away. That, ironically, could be just the thing to elicit a decision and a straight answer. Be warned, however—it might not be the decision you wanted to hear.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Although it's sometimes a good idea to call someone's bluff, I wouldn't advise trying it this week. What seems like a possible put-on designed to manipulate people might just be the real deal. The only way to find out for sure is the hard way, and you really can't afford that at the moment. Keep your head down, soldier on, and see what happens a little ways down the line. You wouldn't want to keep this up indefinitely (and I hope you don't), but you've got to be smart and pick the right time to make your move. This, I'm afraid, is not that time.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You never know what someone's really made of until they're subjected to a little heat. Some people crack, revealing gooey interiors you never dreamed of. Others get harder and stronger. Some flee, some out-blaze the fire. I'm not suggesting you go around testing people to see what happens when they're pushed to their breaking points. That would be a bad idea. However, if you just happen to be around, pay attention. What you learn could be useful; how you put that information to use is, of course, up to you—but I might hope you'd learn how to best be there for someone in need.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Leos are hardly renowned for their patience. Instant gratification is often the name of the game for Lions, and "to hell with the consequences!" There are ways and ways to rationalize this kind of thing, and some of the arguments you come up with are very convincing. That doesn't, however, make listening to them the right thing to do, especially this week, when pursuing your own desires without regard for the potential fallout could land you in deeper, hotter water than you anticipated. Practice patience, my dear. You're long overdue to grow some. And remember—the holidays are coming up.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

When Virgos see a problem, they try to solve it. It's almost a compulsion. Other signs can watch the houseplants wither away from day to day and never get around to actually watering them until it's too late. You, on the other hand, would be virtually incapable of doing anything else until the poor household flora had gotten a good soak. That's all admirable—right up to the point where your entire life consists of putting out fires and just running from one blaze to the next. Is that what your life's become? Perhaps since you can't see problems without trying to remedy them, you should give yourself a break and find a refuge where those problems will be out of sight, and at least half out of mind.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

I'm not a big proponent of the whole soulmate thing. But sometimes you do just meet someone and get them, right off the bat. They can see right through you—in a good way, because they like what they see. This, my dear, is rare. It should also be easy. You'd have to try hard not to forge a connection. But some Libras are self-sabotaging enough to screw it up by suddenly becoming shy or disappearing right when things are getting good. Don't worry if you act like an idiot; either they can handle that or they can't, and if they can't, the connection wasn't what you thought it was anyway. Go out there and be your great, goofy self. Do that, and you can't screw it up.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

This week is all about weighing the cost of the sacrifice against the value of the payoff. Burning books for heat is not a good trade-off, for example. Burning furniture might be a better one, but it's still far from ideal. Don't settle for a horrible bargain, as if nothing better is available to you. Of course, most anyone would burn books if it meant the difference between life and death. But your straits are not yet so dire. You don't need to settle for such bad deals, and shouldn't. Hold out for a better offer, or—if one's not forthcoming—walk away from the situation altogether.

 
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