Sisterhood of the Traveling Strap-On

I have a question about the bedroom. I'll leave most of it to your imagination, but I will say my boyfriend and I have a very satisfying sex life. However, I want to throw him a curveball he won't forget anytime soon. I'm just not sure how.

I don't hate porn, but I'm not into it as a couples' activity. How can I surprise him by adding some kink into our routine, without watching or involving other people (on the TV or in the flesh)? I guess I should note that, while I like being dominated, I don't want to be wearing a collar or some shit like that. I'm no prude, but I ain't no Jenna Jameson, either.

Have you seen Jenna Jameson lately? Since she quit porn, she's apparently stopped eating and transferred all the silicone that had been in her boobies into her lips. Poor thing looks like an emaciated duck.

Sorry. Straying off topic....As far as your sex life goes, you don't want to watch porn with him, aren't interested in fancy leather accessories...hmmm. What's left? I know—time to switch things up and make him your (willing) bitch.

Since you don't like to watch porn with another person in the room, you should go to Babeland on East Pike Street and rent yourself one of the selections from the Bend Over Boyfriend collection. This way you can watch it in the privacy of your own home. I guarantee you'll pick up some pointers.

The fine ladies and gents there can also kit you out with the appropriate harness/dildo combo. I'd suggest starting out with the "Bend Over Beginner" set, which comes with a harness, mini-vibrator, and two dildos of varying widths. Lube sold separately! (And don't forget that because you're going to need it!)

I have to warn you: Not every guy is gonna go for it. I remember going on a similar mission with a friend—we'll call her Edina. Edina was certain her man would be game for a little anal intrusion. After all, he liked digits up his bum; wouldn't the next step be a dildo?

We cackled with glee as she splurged on a pink, sparkly, patent pleather harness and a darling little contrasting purple butt plug. She promised to update me the next day.

Well, the next day brought nothing but disappointment. Turns out there's a big difference between wanting the occasional finger up the pooper and being able to handle your girlfriend pounding a silicone ween up yer backside. What a waste of money.

I forgot about it for a few months until a mysterious package arrived at my office. My thoughtful pal had gifted her harness to me (no sharing dildos, that's just gross). She knew my man was a perv, and we couldn't imagine he wouldn't be into it. I bought the perfect little faux willy to strap on. That evening I couldn't wait for him to get home. I put on a pair of black tights and matching tank top and strapped on my apparatus. As I heard him coming up the stairs, I greeted him at the door all decked out like a bonerific superheroine.

"C'mere, pretty boy," I growled, pumping my hips provocatively. Playing one of the Deliverance dudes was fun!

I couldn't discern whether he was terrified, horrified, or secretly turned on, so I grabbed my store-bought junk and shook it at him.

It quickly became clear that he wasn't secretly turned on.

"What is that?" he asked in a tone that implied far more disgust than interest.

I explained that as a sex-and-love-advice professional, I knew the importance of trying new things.

"No" was his firm reply.

"C'mon," I begged, pretending to jerk it off.

He turned on his heel and marched off into the kitchen.

I'd send my unused harness to you, but I already gave it to yet another friend. Hopefully she's had more luck with it than I did.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.