KIRSTEN ULVE
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Dear Dategirl,
I recently met a guy through a friend, and though we seemed to share a very intense mutual attraction for each other, we never got the chance to exchange phone numbers. Then I ran into him two weeks later and he seemed very aloof, if not outright cold toward me. I found out (through our friend, upon making an innocent inquiry) that he had begun seeing someone already within those two weeks, so I was able to figure out the reason for his change in behavior...sort of. I don't understand why men do this. This has happened more than once.
Amazed, Then Confused
What you're dealing with, my dear, is a textbook case of boytardation.
Symptoms include an extreme aversion to any kind of confrontation (no matter how minor), an inability to pull one's head out of one's ass, and a far-too-glowing assessment of self. What it comes down to is this: Sometimes boys—note I did not include men in this diagnosis—can be sorry little chickenshits.
Let me share with you what's going on inside this youngster's addled little brain. The two of you shared a brief flirtation. You chatted, batted eyes at one another, and spent most of your time together picturing each other naked. Though you each went home alone that night, you drifted off to sleep thinking dirty/sweet thoughts and wondering when you'd see each other again.
Unfortunately, life intervened, and so a week later he met someone else and started dating her instead. Thoughts of you faded into the background, but flickered to the forefront every now and again, reminding him of what could've been.
So when he ran into you, he didn't know what to do. Instead of being sane and pleasant and perhaps dropping a mention of his new girlfriend into conversation with you, he got scared. And so he shunned.
Meanwhile, you wind up feeling like an asshole. Did you misread the connection? Does he think you're madly and deeply in love with him after one conversation and will fall apart upon hearing the devastating news that he's given his ween to another? Snort.
As is the case with pretty much any ridiculous situation you could dream up, I've been on the receiving end of the boytard thing, too. Once it was with a cute divorced actor who followed me around all night and then convinced me to write my phone number on his arm with a Sharpie. He called the next evening, we had a funny little chat, and we made plans to go out the following Friday. The next day, he left a message canceling our date and making it clear he didn't want to go out with me. Ever. Huh?
Because it is a small world after all, I ran into him a couple weeks later and asked what had happened. I wasn't pissed off, just kind of confused. But he got all hinky and twitchy, like I was going to punch him or something. He never did tell me what had happened to change his mind, but watching him stammer and act like a jackass cured me of any desire to see him again anyway.
Your guy will probably eventually grow out of his awkward moron phase, but for now you can comfort yourself with the fact that at least you found out what he was like before you slept with him.
Confidential to my boyfriend's friend, who called the other night to complain about his hot, 21-year-old, bisexual, nymphomaniac girlfriend—he's in love with her and wants to settle down, and she wants to continue involving him in threesomes and whatever else it is 21-year-old bisexual nymphos do for fun: Dude, you are banging an unspeakably hot girl half your age. Not only that, but she brings her nubile young lady friends into bed with you. Isn't this the stuff that Penthouse Forum letters are made (up) of? Shouldn't you be too busy counting your lucky stars to complain about how tired you are?
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
