The Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Dear Dategirl,

So, I finally met "the one." He's kind, funny, creative, and passionate. He drops by my parents' house just to chat, rubs my feet, is very generous in bed—a highly evolved, marriage-worthy guy.

I have a lot of guy friends, and I love how he's never jealous when I hang out with them. That's been a problem in previous relationships, and it's such a relief that he's not like that. But his fatal flaw is that he is borderline insanely jealous of my previous boyfriends and sexual experiences. It's not like I hang out with my exes much; maybe I run into one every two or three months.

Despite how cute and funny my boyfriend is, he never had a girlfriend before me and had only had sex once. I think that may contribute to his jealousy.

It's bad. If any shred of evidence that I have ever had another dick in me comes to light, he can't sleep that night. It's not like he yells at me or says mean things, but I know he is suffering inwardly. He will go through periods where he is a little withdrawn, and when I finally get him talking about it, I realize he's been dwelling on this stuff for a week or more. He always blames it on himself. It doesn't seem like it's making him bitter or resentful toward me yet, but I'm worried it is going to get that way if something doesn't change.

There's no way in hell I'm going to lose this guy, so we have to figure out some way to fix this. He is making an appointment to see a shrink about it, which I'm really happy about. I've heard about other guys acting this way. Why are they so jealous of our sexual past? Is this a sign of worse things to come? What can I do to make it better?Wish He Would Chill tha Eff Out

I don't know why it rankles me so much, but I can't get to your question without first pointing out—yet again—that this whole "the one" nonsense is a myth!! A lie perpetrated by Harlequin Romances, the diamond industry, and the Wedding-Industrial Complex. The truth is, each of us have at least 50 "ones" (far more if you travel). So all you people with your crazy idealistic ways—quit it.

I'm not saying that love doesn't exist; I'm just saying that if this guy doesn't work out, there'll be others if you look hard enough.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system....Getting worked up about your beloved's past is pretty common. It's also fairly stupid because it's not like you can unfuck somebody (though I can think of several men I'd unfuck in a hot second if at all possible).

But you shouldn't want that, anyway, because everything (and everyone) that you've been through in the past has helped shape you into the person you are today—the lovely lady he's in love with.

At least your boyfriend is inexperienced, which somewhat excuses his retardation. I've heard far too many ass-chapping tales of undiscriminating boysluts who still expect their girlfriends to have unblemished pasts.

Though highly irritating, the upside is that he realizes it's his problem and is getting professional help. That alone puts him miles ahead of most men. I'm sorry—most people.

What you need to do is keep in mind that this is entirely his problem. There isn't much you can do to make it better unless you figure out a way to crawl into his brain and make an adjustment. Yes, you should be sensitive—no need to compare the bounciness of his ballsack to others that have gone there before, but that's common sense for dealing with anyone you're dating. Don't allow yourself to be shamed about what you were honest enough to share with him in the first place. Unless you're carrying a contagious brand of cooties, your past should remain private, and he should respect that. Meaning he shouldn't be quizzing you about things that have nothing to do with him. Good luck.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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