This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Take your own advice, damn it! You're so intelligent and chock-full of wise counsel for your friends, but when it comes to yourself, you sometimes make astonishingly poor choices. I think the problem is you're reluctant or unable to take the necessary step back from your own situation and view it with the dispassionate eye and perspective that's necessary to see the big picture and make the right decision. Personally, I think you can separate yourself from the situation sufficiently to give yourself excellent advice, but if you really think you can't, ask someone to do it for you. Choose the smartest person you know regarding this type of situation—someone who's had a lot of success—and ask them what you should do. Then, by all means, regardless of your mixed emotions, do what they advise.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

For someone who's so indecisive, you sure can be impatient. I've known Libras who suddenly decide they want a long-term lover (after ages of adamant singlehood) and get frustrated when one doesn't magically appear. Of course, part of the problem when you're impatient is you're not actually doing that much differently than you did before, so the openings through which change could come are few and far between. You want something new in your life, you've got to throw open a few big barn doors, put down some bait, and see what comes waltzing in. Mostly you're going to get the neighborhood riffraff and want to shoo it away with a broom, but if you're alert and open to possibilities, you might just get what you're wishing for—much sooner than you would otherwise.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

"Solid as a rock" is an almost meaningless phrase; according to modern physics, even stone is composed of mostly empty space. Most of what we perceive is actually a clever illusion, it turns out, one that our minds interpret in a certain way just so we can make some kind of sense of the world and operate within it. You know this, but sometimes you can let your beliefs in your own self-generated illusions really drag you down and keep you from doing what you really want to do. Come on, Scorpio. You have a talent for cutting through other people's bullshit, right down to the bone. This week, try slicing through some of your own. Afterward, you might discover you can walk through walls.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

When a plant thinks it might die, it bursts into bloom. It uses up most or all of its remaining energy to produce flowers, which will in turn produce seeds. I understand that this is a side effect of what it's actually trying to accomplish—the survival of its species—but I love that the floral response to stress creates beauty. Can you do the same? Try it. The more stressed out you get, the harder you should try to generate some original beauty to share with the world. I reckon that will make you feel a whole lot better; even if it doesn't, it sure will make life nicer for the rest of us, and that can't be a bad thing.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Just because you've walked quite a long way down a certain path doesn't mean you can't switch routes and destinations now. Sure, you should be naturally reluctant to leave all that behind, but you shouldn't let your reluctance keep you from ultimately doing it. As far as we know, this is your one shot, your one life, your one chance to be happy. One of your strengths is your stick-to-itiveness, but that can also be a weakness, if you're sticking to something (or someone) that makes you unhappy. Go ahead and think long and hard about your options before you give up something you've invested time and energy in. But there may come a time when it's time to jump ship or go down with it (or just sail on, miserably). Hopefully you have the guts to do what you've got to do.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

The reason you're likely to obsess over ridiculous emotional bullshit is because you have too much free time inside your head. If you were busy solving the world's problems, you wouldn't have the opportunity to make yourself (and some of the people around you) nuts. Your brilliance can and should be put to good use, not this endless mental masturbation about things you can't figure out or resolve. Ignore your own problems this week, as much as possible. Turn your attention to other people's, and solving them. They'll be grateful and feel better, and—weirdly enough—so will you.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

It's just in line with your endlessly complex and self-contradicting nature that you are usually the most beloved among your friends and also the one who causes the most aggravation, confusion, or frustration. We can't help but like you; you're so sweet and cuddly. But that's not a blank check to just ride on your cuteness. You frustrate us because you're the most talented person we know, and you're doing the least with your talents. Exercise your brilliance or it'll get soft and flabby. This week, if you can't summon the motivation to do it for your own benefit, do it for us.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Tastes change. Yours certainly do. Remember that song you were so gung ho about three years ago? You're cringing in embarrassment about that now. That bore you dated for so long is someone your friends are forbidden to even mention these days. Of course, some bands and people are in your life for the long haul. It's just hard to tell in the moment how you'll feel about them in years to come. Luckily, this week you should have an easier time telling whether whomever or whatever you're currently enthusiastic about is a short-term fad or an instant classic.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

I don't know if it's true, but many of my massage-therapist friends talk about how people "store" emotions in different parts of their body, creating isolated tension or even long-term problems. I reckon it's an idea worth exploring, especially because you Bulls are notorious for holding certain emotions back and not expressing them. Where did they go? This week, turn hunter. Track down your lost and repressed feelings wherever they might be hiding—not to shoot them down and kill them, but to capture and release them somewhere they're free to roam without hurting anyone (especially you).

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You've probably noticed already that sometimes things (both good and bad) happen in threes. You're especially prone to notice triplets of this kind this week. A smart Gemini might be able to find some way to take advantage of this—by cashing in on the opportunities or avoiding the negative stuff. You can't be sure that something you experience will be echoed twice more, or what forms those echoes will take, but why not take a stab at putting yourself in (or out of, as the case may be) their path? If you're lucky, it might be the best thing you do this year.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

I wish I could tie you up and spank you—and not to be kinky! I'm pissed because you know that one of the choices you're making is really wrong for you. It's not even that pleasurable, and yet you're making it nevertheless! Is it a desire for self-destruction? What's it going to take to make you quit abusing yourself with your own actions? The world is harsh enough without you adding to your own burdens. Can you stop yourself, please? And if you can't, will you please find someone who will?

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Sometimes a really good e-mail message accidentally gets sorted into your junk-mail folder, and you have to sift through all the penis enlargement and Viagra bullshit to find it. That happens to certain people, too. You meet them, and for whatever reason, your brain files them in a category where they don't belong—and one you don't invest much time in. This week you may have a chance to discover that what looked like a bit of bogus "LOTTERY WINNER" spam, in human form, is actually the real thing. Take a chance and open it up.

 
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