KIRSTEN ULVE
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Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
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Dear Dategirl,
My friends just keep insisting love conquers all and I should just get married already and stop looking for things to be wrong. Maybe they think my current boyfriend is my last chance at love (I am nearing the 40 mark and want children). So I am turning to a complete stranger for advice.
First, let me set the record very straight—if my boyfriend were anyone else in this world, I would have kicked him to the curb when he first told me his previous girlfriend was (is) pregnant. BUT. Boyfriend and I have known each other our entire lives. We met in the fourth grade, and now, 28 years later, we find each other living happily in the same city, 3,000 miles from where we grew up.
We start dating, and it goes very well for about a month. That's when he finds out he is going to be a daddy. I do my best to be supportive. Two months later, we're still going strong. He's the perfect boyfriend—sends flowers, real soul connection, etc. He talks about marriage, and I tell him he's still in the sex haze, all the while thinking I would totally marry him.
This week she had twins. (He's in the process of getting a DNA test, but for our purposes, let's just assume he's the dad.) My feeling is that he has to try to make some familial relationship work with this woman—he has to be there for her and those babies. I have a friend who is a single mom of twins, and it is devastatingly hard. He's adamant about not being with someone he doesn't love. I think his position is irresponsible and deluded. I also think he is sacrificing any relationship with this woman (and the kids) because he is afraid of losing me.
But my biggest problem is that I have been actively looking for a serious relationship so I can have my own children, right away. I have even cryopreserved my eggs and embryos and will use them if I am not with a suitable father by the end of this year. I can't imagine going through more fertility treatments just because he needs a year or two.
Love or not, I think I have to end this relationship. No one in my life agrees. What do you think?
Mae West Incarnate
As someone who possesses not an iota of maternal instinct or interest, I can't pretend to know what you're going through. But honestly, I think that after just three months of dating, you'd be nuts to marry or get knocked up by anybody. Especially someone who's just fathered twins by another broad. And while, yes, technically, you've known him for about 30 years, how many of those years did you know him know him? Not many. And it sounds like the missing years were the important ones. (Especially the one he spent impregnating someone else.)
But you're not even certain they're his, so calm down. Once you determine whether or not he's the daddy, you can make a decision. BTW, having a relationship with the babies' mom is up to him. He can be a good dad without being romantically involved with their mother. Obviously, if he chooses to shirk his responsibility to his kids—if they're his—you'll want no part of that.
I think your friends are rolling their eyes because you've already jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Oh, and unless they're very young and/or extremely stupid, there's no way they're worried that at 40, this is your last chance at love.
I have to say, I think your schedule is a tad unrealistic. You realize it's already late August, and you want a baby daddy by New Year's? This kind of intense reproductive pressure is a lot to put on any budding relationship, so why don't you try separating the two issues. Because even if you give this dude the heave-ho, most guys you'll end up dating are going to run for the door if you announce your plans for imminent procreation on the first 10 or so dates. If you're so hell-bent on reproducing, maybe you should consider going ahead with it whether or not you have a man in your life.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
