A few weeks back (June 13, to be exact), I mentioned in passing that after extensive fieldwork on the topic, I'd come to the conclusion that sleeping with a guy on the first date might not be the best course of action if you wanna turn him into your boyfriend. This conclusion was not drawn out of any moral dilemma I have with pre-emptive porking; it's just that it's been my experience (as well as that of many of my pals) that getting down to business immediately often translates into a one-night stand.
As you might imagine, many of my readers wanted to set me straight on this point:
I love ya, Dategirl, but I disagree. If the timing's right and it feels like the thing to do, go for it. If the guy is a dick later, well, better to find out early than later. I'm not saying you have to hump on that first date, but you shouldn't necessarily turn it into a game, either. A guy like myself would resent that kind of woman. Why? Because it's contrived, controlling, and dishonest. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking this gal's gonna use sex as a control device on our relationship; sex as a "reward" sucks.
I've dated a few Rules girls, and the funny thing is, I've been happily married (to a gal who didn't follow the Rules) for 24 years now, and I've run into those women years later and they're still single, desperately wanting a relationship but unwilling to let go of the "rules." They envy what I have. I think that if they weren't so hung up on number of dates and whatnot, they might have somebody.Larry
No offense, Larry, I get what you're saying, but ditching a dame because she won't put out immediately is just as big an asshole maneuver as the hump-and-dump. Maybe these lonely ladies you speak of aren't so much manipulative as they are shit-scared of being hurt.
I did the deed on a first date once and learned my lesson. I'm in my early 40s, very attractive, white, professional female—also conservative and uptight. A couple of years ago, I was desperate for a date and got online and registered on Yahoo! Personals. I met a microbiology professor. We met up at Pioneer Square and had a couple of glasses of wine.
Mistake No. 1: Looks and personality improve when you drink on an empty stomach. I wound up at his place and had sex with him a couple of times. The next day I felt really guilty. Do you want to know why? Because I really liked him, and to be honest, the sex wasn't the greatest. A couple of days go by and I get an e-mail from him, and he tells me that he had fun and wants to get together—basically implying that he wants a piece of ass. Yeah, I dumped him!A Devoted Fan!
Sweetcheeks, you've got to loosen up. Your problem is that you went out with a guy out of desperation (your word, not mine). When we are desperate (and believe me, I've been there), we do stupid things and have a tendency to come off as kind of scary. But in the pantheon of stupid, sleeping with a nice professor because you're lonely and a little liquored up is not a big deal. And jeez, the guy actually called and wanted to see you again. Maybe he just wanted to fuck, or perhaps he wanted to talk some more and then do you slow and dirty all night long, but you'll never know because you got all huffy and kicked him to the curb! It's not like screwing around immediately never works out—see also this chick:
I slept with my boyfriend on the first "date," and we're still happily together! I slept with the one before him on the first date, too. (And the one before that, and the one before that....) I understand the point you're making, but I thought I'd put my experience out there.Lisa
Come to think of it, two of my most long-term boyfriends were the recipients of first-night nookie. Hmmm....maybe there's something to be said about fucking people you barely know....
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.