I'd been together with my ex-boyfriend for about three years. It was quite the roller-coaster ride of a relationship, and then he broke up with me in March. He declared that he wanted to maintain a friendship with me because I was too important to him. I decided that was OK—not realizing he meant a friendship with benefits. He continued to come around whenever the need arose, so to speak, and I, ever adoring and hopeful, gave in to his advances.
On Tuesday last week, God sent me a wake-up call via the Internet. I don't know how it happened, but when I logged on to my computer, my boyfriend's e-mail account popped onto my screen, open. OPEN! So, of course I looked, and to make a long story short, I found out he'd started an online relationship in January that had quickly developed into new love by February, etc., etc.
And yet, he was still coming around to see me through March, April, and May. Before this happened, I had even asked him point-blank in bed if he had a new girlfriend and should I be worried about STDs, and he said no. Now I find out he was sending her cute little I-love-you e-cards two weeks before my question.
I've written her an e-mail detailing this bastard's devious ways, wanting to destroy him, of course, but also as a public-service announcement to her, thinking she should know him for the pinche pendejo (fucking asshole) that he is. I haven't sent it yet. Should I?
(This e-mail fluke is getting crazy! I just received an IM for him!)Eyes Wide Open
I congratulate you on your super-human powers of restraint. If you have resisted sending it for this long, know that there is nothing in this world you cannot not do. You are obviously the type of person who can ignore the slice of chocolate cake sitting in front of her and instead go to the fridge and bite into a nutritious apple. You probably also exercise regularly and pay your credit cards off in full each month. As I look down at the frosting on my T-shirt and the overdraft notice from my bank, I'm here to tell you that you, Eyes Wide Open, are my hero.
I'm sure a lot of people reading this are skeptical about your claim that your ex's e-mail just happened to have been left open on your computer...those cynical souls are probably thinking there was a level of snooping going on, and maybe they're right. Me, I believe you, because a sneaky broad would've already sent the note to the other girl. Not to mention put a brick through his windshield.
Maybe if you'd trusted this guy, you would've just shut the window and moved on, but there was no reason for you to trust your guy—he broke up with you and then kept sniffing around, coming back for sloppy seconds. I believe what you did is categorized under "only human."
And hell yeah, I think you should send her the note. I also think you should cc his lying ass on it. Sure, your motivations might not be pure (whatever), but wouldn't you want to know if your boyfriend was schtupping some other broad? I would. Whether she realizes this or not, you're doing her a favor.
Once that's done—and this is the hardest part—you need to move on. Resist the urge to keep checking his e-mail—even if technology makes that a possibility. If his IMs keep coming up on your computer, call a techie friend over and have her fix it. Cut him out of your life for good.
When he inevitably calls to shriek at you for ruining his fucked-up little triangular lie, hang up on him immediately. Do not get drawn into further drama, and don't even think about feeling guilty. One more thing—do not for one minute expect to get that elusive sense of "closure" the self-help books are always going on about. The only one getting any of that will be him, since your heart, mind, and vagina are closed for business as far as his sorry ass is concerned.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.