My best friend is the HOTTEST guy I’ve ever met. I really love him, but every time we talk, he just acts natural. He’s not married, and neither am I. I’m only 25, and he’s 26. I wish he would love me, too. He has told me before that he likes me, but sometimes he ignores me and sometimes he doesn’t. If I give up, he’ll decide to like me (that’s just how he is). So, should I just give up, or keep fighting for what I want?

Aqua

I recently fielded some criticism over my allegedly insensitive usage of the word “retard.” I suppose I could protest that I don’t mean it in the developmentally disabled fashion—I mean it more in a playground kind of way—but I’m not going to bother. Instead, I’m going to refrain from using it as best I can from now on. It ain’t gonna be easy. Especially this week.

My dear Aqua, you’re obviously going about this in the entirely wrong way. A “best friend” who is nice enough to not ignore you on occasion is a friend you should not let slip through your tragic little fingers. I think we can let it go unsaid that he sounds like a stellar boyfriend candidate.

A different—and, some might argue, more competent—advice professional would probably advise you to pack up your Fruit Loops and go home. Because, after all, if you start ignoring him and move on, he will either fall desperately in love with you (your prediction), or you will eventually get over him (mine).

But where is the fun in surrender? My advice is to step up your campaign instead. It’s a little-known secret that you actually can make someone fall in love with you.

You say you’re fighting for him, yet you give me no evidence. What have you done? Have you hacked into his e-mail accounts? Do you know his voice-mail code? How about his PIN number? When you’re looking for love, information is currency.

A friend of mine’s ex-husband hacked into her e-mail account and sent every guy she had ever corresponded with a “fuck you” note—ostensibly from her. Very crafty. He had no idea if the men “she” had told to piss off were work colleagues, distant relations, or people she was thinking about schtupping—and really, what did it matter? All of the guys had one very important thing in common: They possessed a penis and were associated with his beloved.

I would like to tell you that this caused my friend to go running back to her ex, but that would not be the case. However, this was only because he got sloppy and half-assed and wound up nearly getting himself hit with a restraining order instead. Learn from his error and make sure to cover your tracks.

You might also consider being a tad more aggressive. Last weekend, the Large Greek and I went to visit Dan, an old pal who bought a gorgeous old Victorian about two hours out of town. On Saturday night, we went out with one of Dan’s friends who put the “hump” in leg-humper. He hit on everybody. If it had a penis and it was in his path, he was on it. Sure, after he salivated on the lap of his third straight boy of the evening, the rest of us were fairly embarrassed, but the guy was nothing if not persistent. Unfortunately, he went home alone because he took his persistence past acceptable levels and moved on into pathetic. It’s a very thin line between the two; do your best not to cross it.

Finally, you state that Mr. Man sometimes ignores you. While, yes, I agree that it’s a very good sign that he doesn’t always treat you like the wallpaper, it is up to you to ensure that pretending you don’t exist is simply not an option for him. Whether that entails some gaudy additions to your wardrobe, developing a flashing habit (à la Britney), or even affecting a fake foreign accent, you need to become the kind of person that not just he but everyone notices. Make “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” your new mantra, and I am confident that by this time next week he’ll be yours.

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.