Unless your name begins with "The" and ends with "Dude," ordering a cream-based drink any time other than the end of the night clocks in at 11 on the list of 117 reasons why a bartender will dog-eye you. Nothing identifies a drinker as suspect more than a creamy drink like a White Russian or Colorado Bulldog. It's not that creamy drinks don't taste good—it's that they taste too good.
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You should taste the little sting of the alcohol in your drink, each sip a reminder that you are imbibing something that will cause a physical and mental reaction. To the saying "Beer before liquor, never sicker," I might add, "Start with dairy, things will get hairy." Just as you wouldn't start the night with a milk shake or a tall latte, when you order a cream-based drink right out of the gate, you limit your options and endurance. Where can you go from creamy? Most other cocktails have some sort of citrus in them. Have you ever mistakenly put lemon and cream in your tea? It curdles, which is the science behind the Cement Mixer, the ubiquitous 21st-birthday shot and the making of an unpleasant gastro-experience.
What makes lactose drinks intolerant to a bartender is the following cream-drink drunk profiles:
The Peter Pan drinker: This drinker doesn't like the taste of alcohol and tries to hide it by drinking things that remind him of childhood. Be a man or be a child, but know that the bartender scorns the man-child above all others. Drinks that taste like candy scare us bartenders because people drink them extra quick, possibly requiring us to baby-sit.
The novice drinker: This drinker feels that, on this rare social occasion, he or she should have a drink, or two or three, just like everyone else. The bartender fears the novice most of all. Amateur night usually ends with us cleaning up amateur puke.
Cream drinks are a "one and done" category, so save the creamy booze-accino for the last drink of the evening. The cocktail gods, after all, created these drinks to be a combination of dessert and nightcap. The brandy Alexander—equal parts brandy, dark crème de cacao, and cream shaken with ice and topped with nutmeg—is a year-round nog sure to end the evening on a high note. Invoke its 1960s spirit by visiting an appropriate venue. The bartenders at the Waterfront Seafood Grill on Pier 70 (2801 Alaskan Way) are committed to making the brandy Alexander right. With its panoramic view of city, water, and sunset, the restaurant makes you feel like you're in the VIP lounge of a cruise ship. The tuxedo-clad waiters, cheeky piano player, and cushy banquettes allow you to live the dream. Pretend to have just dined with the captain, and make sure to order, like a vacationing princess, "brandy Alexander, daaahling."
mdutton@seattleweekly.com
