Hey, Let's Smoke a J!

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

When I leave this hellhole called Atlanta and move to Seattle, we'll have to get together and smoke a joint and go to a coffeehouse and discuss transportation issues. I'm a civil engineer, but I'm probably going to switch careers. Unfortunately, I now have a role in urban sprawl, but I'm going to take my experience and knowledge with me when I come to Seattle to make sure we don't turn it into another Atlanta.Seattle-Bound

P.S. I'm selling my car, so hopefully I will be welcomed. I'm also homosexual.

Dear Seattle-Bound,

When you say "also homosexual," do you mean, "In addition to being interested in transportation issues, I like men," or, "Like you, I'm gay"? Because, if the latter, I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm not actually ...I mean, I'm...The thing is this: I'm straight. Straight but not narrow!

I'm not blaming you for whatever you were thinking. When people meet me, they probably don't think I'm gay per se, but they don't think, "That guy is totally overdoing it in the cheeseball macho department, like maybe he's secretly gay or something." Wait, hang on. I don't mean that they would never not think I wasn't secretly gay. If they did or didn't, it wouldn't surprise or offend me. Either way. No biggie. Because it's not like I'm super concerned about going for the opposite of whatever that is.

You really think I have a problem with other men's penises? Don't make me laugh. We all get boners, am I right, guys? There are a quarter-million men in this city, so by my calculations, that's at least 30,000 hard-ons going at any moment. A forest of erections silhouetted against our gray skies. Hey, whoa, sorry to all you female readers. I didn't mean to intimidate you by brandishing all those hard cocks in your face. Like in some sort of crude frat-boy way. I meant it in a grown-up, matter-of-fact way. It's a characteristic of mammalian genitalia to become engorged with blood when aroused, that's all. It's just science.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

As a liberal person, I should be tolerant of various political beliefs, but I just see red when my entry to Metropolitan Market is barred by a folding table full of those Lyndon LaRouche–bags. Is it wrong of me to wonder where I can get a bucket of cat urine to throw on them?Grumpy Shopper

Dear Grumpy,

Well, I think it's great that you know you have a problem. As our AA neighbors always say, that's the first step. You should examine what it is in yourself that is unable to tolerate rational, nonviolent discourse. Does the LaRouche group have a history of numchuck-wielding thuggery and barely disguised anti-Semitism? Are their writings hard to understand because perhaps they themselves don't know what they're talking about? Maybe, maybe not. But you shouldn't feel hostile because they choose to exercise their First Amendment rights. Maybe you could consider starting your own group, with your own card table of literature. Or maybe you could engage them in a bit of dialogue as you make your way back to your Subaru with your reusable canvas bags of organic produce. Also, there's a bucket of cat piss you can pick up from my back porch anytime.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I have been wondering about what the Weekly thinks of as its new target audience. A recent cover headline, "Who's Shooting Who?" defines at least one characteristic for me: It must be folks who you think are repelled by the grammatically correct use of pronouns, or at least attracted by the incorrect use. So you make sure to signal in bold letters on your cover that you belong to both the former and the latter groups. That I belong to neither may explain why I find fewer and fewer items of interest to me in your paper.Stickler

Dear Stickler,

So sorry you were not able to get past the headline for that particular story. I'm fairly sure that it contained evidence for some typically dishonest dealings on the part of our so-called leaders. They killed someone and lied about it to boot? Something like that. I didn't actually read it. Whatever it was, it wouldn't have surprised me a bit. But then I'm already pretty aware of the corrupt state of the whole corporate-media-military-capitalist deal. But maybe you could have learned something? Just a possibility. At any rate, the paper does seem to have its heart in the right place politically, at least in a low-level way. It's just that its larger sense of awareness could be more developed, if you know what I mean.

But just between you and me, you're quite right to be offended by the headline. Correct pronoun utilization is such a lost art, isn't it? Amazing that those New Yorker guys pretty much knew all there was to know about writing back in 1918 or 1956 or whenever. Always form the possessive singular, avoid apposition when introducing a newly independent clause, enclose elegant phrases within understated curlicues, etc. I don't know about you, but I practically have The Elements of Style memorized.

Have a question for the Uptight Seattleite? Send it to uptight@seattleweekly.com.

 
comments powered by Disqus