Ladies Behaving Lewdly

I'm a gay woman, and my next-door neighbor is straight and married. She knows I'm a lesbian, but I'm pretty sure she's flirting with me. For example, she's slapped my ass quite a few times and kisses me hello on the mouth. One time I said I was cold, and she came up behind me, put her arms around me, and held me for a really long time. She has said things like, "I should just throw you on that bed and jump on top of you!" Then she giggles. She has come to girl bars with me! Should I try to kiss her? What should I say? Please write back to me!

Desperate

Is your neighbor a freshman in college? Is she retarded? Are you writing from the set of Desperate Housewives?

It's never easy to gauge the whole picture from a short note, but I'd have to assume that what you are dealing with is a Dabbler. I don't doubt the existence of bisexuals or that one's preference can shift from time to time, but Dabblers aren't real dykes. They're not even bisexual. They're the drunk college girls you see making out with their friends in order to titillate the frat jackasses in the next booth. Sometimes they'll even have flings with other women, but only so they can feel worldly and vaguely scandalous. Women like this can really fuck up an unsuspecting gay girl.

Just to clarify, yes, your neighbor is flirting with you. I guess it was the kiss on the mouth that gave it away. Her motivations, however, remain unclear. Maybe she's bi-curious (snort). Or bored. Or—more likely—one of those women who is incapable of drawing breath unless every human being who could possibly be attracted to her is drooling at her feet.

The big question isn't what your married, ostensibly hetero neighbor is up to; it's why you care. For one thing—she's married. Even if you ignore the karmic implications of such an ill-advised assignation, schtupping the taken is No. 1 in the Big Book of Bad Ideas. Hooking up with a married person is opening the door and inviting drama and pain into your living room: "Hello, Screaming Fights at 4 a.m.; please take a seat on the sofa next to my new friend, Stomach Cramps From Wondering if She's Still Fucking Her Husband." That they live within spitting distance only makes things about a billion times worse.

But let's just push all cynicism aside and suppose that meeting you has awakened the Sapphic sister buried deep inside her and that what she's feeling is the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Suppose she actually leaves her husband for you? Not that that's too likely, but still.... What then? Meanwhile, they live next door to you. How awkward is that gonna be?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Most cheaters don't voluntarily ditch their spouses. I'm inclined to think this chick is a twat tease in need of attention and is using your crush to prop up her sense of self-worth. Maybe she's been married for a while and things have gotten a little stale with hubby. What's more exciting—and safe—than flirting with the cute lesbian next door? So L Word. So naughty. So fucking la-la-la-lame.

It sounds like you haven't registered on her Richter as a real person with feelings. To her (and again, I'm just guessing here), you're the cute girl who blushes when she hugs you too tightly and stares adoringly as she natters on about tossing you on the bed. Snap out of it, woman! Quit thinking with your cooter and start using your noggin—this chick is trouble!

You asked what you should say to her, and I have a few suggestions:

•"Friends don't kiss friends on the mouth. Unless they're the kind of friends who also fuck, and as we're not fucking, keep your scabby-ass breeder lips to yourself."

•"Nobody likes a tease, and you, my noxious neighbor, are one."

•"In case you were building up to something—no, I'm not interested in a three-way with you and your husband."

•"Please go away and free me up to meet a nice, unattached girl who will fuck my body and not my mind."

Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.