Sign Language

Your weekly horoscope.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Scientists have discovered that the universe is empty. Matter—despite how solid it feels to us—is actually mostly empty space. Not to get all Matrix-y on you, but to me that points to it at least being possible that life is merely an insanely complex simulation or game. World of Warcraft or Second Life, essentially, multiplied by a trillion trillion. I think you'd benefit from temporarily positing that my theory's possible, because you're taking life just a bit too seriously. Perhaps thinking of it as a kind of game (and one that you could start over, if you like) might help you relax so you can do what you've got to do. Try that, this week.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Among my friends, the ones who take it easy actually party more than the ones who consider themselves hard-core. These moderate partyers manage to go out a few nights a week for several hours each time, calling it a night before things get too crazy. The hard-core ones stay up all night, and spend the next day recovering. The take-it-easy crowd end up putting in 15 hours a week living it up, while the hard-core ones do 8–12 (and only remember 5). I know you crave intensity and the variety of experience. Might it be possible that your route to maximum intensity and variety is the moderate one, at least right now?

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Dramatically restricting their diets has extended rats' lives. People are trying it, too. It wouldn't be such a terrible idea if it weren't such a hardship (it requires true obsession and deprivation), and if it protected you from other things that might kill you (like drunk drivers, AIDS, or Lou Gehrig's disease). Sometimes the "cure" is worse than the ailment. I'd suggest to the calorie-restriction crowd that living well for 70 years might be better than starving for 100. Could that be the case for you as well? This week, consider the possibility that your "problem" is easier (and more pleasurable) to live with than its solution.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Like you, I'm not especially shy. If I'm interested in someone, I have no problem expressing it; my occasional problem, perversely, is taking an interest in anyone at all. That's right, I can be a bit of a snob. Don't sneer; you can be, too. Call it "having standards," if you want. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that your standards are too narrow. You should hold out to have only great people in your life. However, your concept of what "great" is has dramatically limited the kind of people you let into your life, to your own detriment. Revise your definition, fast.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Because you feel everything so intensely, you put up a barrier between yourself and the world. Consequently, those "within your shell" get a completely different version of you than those stuck outside it, who often mistakenly consider you a bit shy and cold. It'd be sad if they walked away based on that inaccurateassumption. They'd be interested in the "real you," if only they could see it; what they do see doesn't intrigue them at all. I'm not suggesting you remove your protective shell entirely—but this week a revealing crack or chink might be in order.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You go out of your way to avoid playing emotional games. I admire your desire to be direct and candid. Sometimes, however, a little song and dance before you cut to the chase might be a good idea. Flirtation and romance thrive on mystery, after all. It may be refreshing when someone lays their cards on the table, but it's not terribly romantic. Don't start lying, though. I'm simply suggesting that exercising your powerful honesty isn't always your best option. Sometimes—like this week—just keeping your mouth shut is the best thing you can do.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

I have a friend in his late 20s who's still never had a drop of alcohol or taken drugs not prescribed by a doctor. I ascribe to a different school of thought, one that values experience, but I still wouldn't suggest he take up drinking or doping now, just as I wouldn't tell a 30-year-old virgin to hook up with a stranger and get it over with. Once you've invested that much time in something—no matter how pointless it may seem now—it would be a shame to just blow it. You may be ready to move on with a big change. Don't screw it up by not valuing where you've already been. If you're a granny virgin who's over it, don't just hook up with the first person who'll have you. Hold out a little longer, and do the damn thing right.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

No other sign is quite as marriage-oriented as you, Libra. You're the sign of partnership, after all. But it might not be quite the right time in your life to actually get hitched. There are other options, of course. I just went to a fake wedding party last night, in which everyone wore mock-up versions of the outfits they might wear to their actual weddings (there were a lot of tiaras). It was good fun, and it made me think of you; playing at marriage right now might be a blast (a lot more fun, actually, than the real thing would be). In fact, this would be a good week to do a test run for whatever you're thinking of taking on in the near future. You might find out you hate (or love) it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

I live on the top floor of my elevatorless building; when I'm delivered a package, the guy who drops it off always gives me attitude, dramatically huffing and puffing as he comes up the steps and otherwise complaining about, you know, having to do his job. I feel for the guy, I do—but only to a point. It is, after all, what he signed up for when he filled out the job application and petitioned to deliver packages for a living. You're getting exactly what you signed on for, too. You could've seen that exactly this would happen. Don't bitch about it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Everything has a season and all that. One of my friends contends that timing is one of the most significant facets of life, and one of the ones that's least controllable. A farmer wouldn't usually considering sowing her field during an ice storm. Nor should you venture out in such inclement (metaphorical) weather; doing what you want to do now will be just as impossible as turning soil while being pelted with fist-size chunks of ice. In general, I believe in making your own moments, especially when there's something unpleasant that you nevertheless must do. But in this case, waiting a while—at least until this storm has passed, for example—might be the best call.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

This is a good week to indulge in simple animal pleasures. I'm not suggesting you spend your evenings picking nits out of your most hirsute friend's back hair, but you should relax and enjoy a glass of wine, a chocolate brownie, a hot bath, some wintry cuddling—that kind of thing. Don't overthink things. Keep it simple is the name of the game this week, and pursuit of pleasures that are easily attainable (and win-wins for all involved). Here's a hint: If your dream or goal involves more than two or three steps or takes longer than a day to set up, you're probably trying too hard.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

I'm guessing you were a salmon in your past life, considering how powerful your urge to swim upstream is. Driving the wrong way up a one-way street, however, is not really the best plan you could come up with, as exciting as it might be for a minute or two. I'm not suggesting you simply go with the flow. Not you. But finding a way to head in the direction you wish without risking a million head-on collisions is your main goal this week. Perhaps you could try hopping out of the stream entirely?

 
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