Ask an Uptight Seattleite

Can we get first class seating on the bus, please?

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I'd love to drive less and help fight global warming, but the people on the bus are so skanky. Some of them haven't even showered in the morning. Would it be wrong to propose a first-class section for Metro? I'd happily pony up five bucks a trip for clean seats and patrons. And Wi-Fi would be nice, too. Also stewardesses (ha-ha).

Lower Carbon, Higher Expectations

Dear Patronizing Anti-Carbonite Sexist,

I see. So you're telling me you didn't attend the Metro Citizens Advisory Commission (MCAC) meeting last Tuesday? Or did you come and not sign in? That is just rude. These are all questions we addressed on the Special Panel on Access, Standards, and Safety (SPASS), based on the questionnaire drafted at the prior week's meeting, drawn from a survey the week before, which I proposed at the meeting a week before that. I hope you referred to our Web site before drafting your ignorant, racist letter, because I typed up those meeting notes myself at Bauhaus after work.

You know, just because you've got some white-collar banking job doesn't give you the right to judge the public who depend on public transportation. Blue-collar workers are on the front lines fighting the fascist tyranny of cars. Or, as I like to put it: a-car-theid.

But I guess you can't be bothered to educate yourself at the MCAC or SPASS meetings because you're too busy buffing your ego at the gym, checking your stock portfolio online, or downloading cyberporn from sites not sanctioned by the Feminist Sex Workers Equality Union (FSWEU).

Still, I would encourage you to attend next Tuesday's meeting, since variable-pricing strategies are an extremely important new idea in transit planning. In fact, I'm looking for someone to lead the new Subcommittee on Courteous Seating Practices and Inappropriate Rider Touching Mitigation (SCSPIRTM), where I definitely think you could use some education. And don't forget to sign in.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I met this cool woman online, but when we got together for a drink, she turned out to be a total goth chick. And she's over 30, like me. Doesn't that seem a little too old to be clinging to the pancake makeup, nose ring, and Siouxie and the Banshees albums from college? Or is it my hang-up, not hers?

More of a Grunge Dude

Dear G.D.,

I am so glad you asked. Goth isn't an age but a state of mind. Which, like Siouxie and the Banshees, shall ever remain timeless. For too long, goths have been subject to the same discrimination, misunderstanding, and outright social scorn experienced by blacks, gays, and other minority groups. Years of being shunned to the uncool table in high school, marginalized to the edges of the playground, and then denied official club status at supposedly progressive Midwestern colleges have made goths especially sensitive to injustice. Did you know, for instance, that goths were at the vanguard of the South Africa stock divestiture movement at Oberlin? And that they marched against Clarence Thomas, welfare reform, and the Iraq war?

Don't succumb to anti-goth bigotry. Give this woman a chance. Consider a romantic evening looking at old headstones, getting tattoos together (perhaps a death's head surrounded by roses), and renting The Crow. Goths need love, too.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Am I wrong, or are all those "no-build" supporters of a surface-only viaduct replacement just hipster renters living on Capitol Hill without cars, the means to buy them, or the need to park them? And just how do they think their precious touring indie bands get to Neumo's? And how does that PBR get delivered to Linda's? And how does the organic produce get trucked to Madison Market? That's right—they all come via motor vehicles, often across the viaduct. Isn't this no-build cult more than a little hypocritical? And won't its members all inevitably marry, buy cars, then bitch about traffic when they can't drive downtown from their townhouses in Shoreline?

Willing to Pay for a Tunnel

Dear Shins-Hating, Burger-Eating, Car-Centric Yuppie Scum,

How homophobic of you to assume that everyone on the Hill is straight. Many in our proudly diverse community lack the right to legally recognized marriage. And many of us rent because we willingly choose lower-paying, anti-careerist day jobs so that we have the freedom and time to pursue the arts, music, social activism, transportation planning, or having themed dinner parties for Battlestar Galactica, Lost, and Heroes. The character of this dynamic neighborhood should be preserved from greedy developers who want to build ugly high-rise condos and eradicate locally owned bars, clubs, and restaurants. At the same time, a surface-level viaduct solution can channel growth and density downtown, where money-grubbing, marriage-ist, hetero elitists properly belong. There is no contradiction. Urban density and traffic congestion can both be solved with a single word: monorail.

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