Hurtin' for a Squirtin'

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More About

• Matt Millet
• Haley Fisher
• Yonkers
• Velveeta Cheese
• Daytona Beach

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Creatures, intelligent or otherwise, take the sweet, smooth flow of urine for granted. Having to take a piss while in the middle of, well, anything is generally considered to be a nuisance. The act itself? Unremarkable—until bacteria find themselves way down there, as Ichabod the goldfish learned after dying of a bladder infection last Thursday at the age of 72 (in fish years).

Ichabod swam into the sweet hereafter when a bass guitarist named Matt Millet flushed him down the toilet. For most of his life, Ichabod remained nameless, often referred to as "Fishy" by his caretakers. But before the fish died, he was christened Ichabod and was given a young roommate named Cane. Nobody knows whether or not Cane introduced the bladder-eating bacteria to Ichabod's tank, nor can anyone prove it. But a sea monkey named Cozzeti has his suspicions.

Born to a working-class family in Yonkers, N.Y., Cozzeti grew up with a chip on his shoulder, constantly getting fucked with by real sea horses and other ocean inhabitants, who have long considered sea monkeys to be the aqua pet equivalent of NutraSweet or Velveeta. Perhaps this explains why Cozzeti became a private dick: to pry into the lives of those who belittled his very roots.

Hired by Ichabod's owner, Haley Fisher, to investigate his mysterious death, Cozzeti quickly received a tip that Cane once got really drunk and visited a brothel full of hooker crabs in Daytona Beach while there on spring break. When questioned directly, Cane could not remember performing any sex acts with the crabs, but said he woke up with a stray pincher attached to one of his gills. The pincher is believed to have been infected.

Regardless of whether Cane was responsible for his roommate's death, Ichabod's final weeks were, by all accounts, torture. Per Millet, the fish said he was "pissing razor blades" and attempted to commit suicide on more than one occasion. In response to Ichabod's death, Millet and Fisher have set up a nonprofit foundation, BALLSDEEP (Bacteria Alienates Lots of Lizards, Sheep, Deer, Elk, Emus, and Penguins), to counteract bacterial infections among animals and sea creatures, and have hired former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani as its spokesperson.

If you would like your deceased pet to be considered for this space, please send a high-resolution 4-by-6 photo and brief description of his or her life to petcemetery@seattleweekly.com.