I've always wondered which men like better—the one they call "a hot piece of ass" or "a lady"? In all my grown-up years, I always get the "oh, you won't have trouble finding the right guy, you're pretty or you're intelligent" spiel. But so far, all I've been getting are jerks—all shapes and sizes, all jerks. Even the ones I like for all the right reasons (based on sanity, intelligence, personality, and their desire for or affection toward me) all go away after one or two hot nights/days of sex. I groom right, bathe every day, and do all the right things.
Yes, I'm rather raunchy in the boudoir, and I know people get a feel for that when they dig deeper. I'm a freakin' Scorpio—qualities there seem to ring true to my nature, so shoot me. And I know I pass in the brains department. I had my breath checked and I'm not on the halitosis list of most-wanted felons. So what the hell gives?
I really like this one guy I've been talking to and kinda seeing for the past few years. I finally gave him a chance to relive one of his fantasies with me. He said it was the best thing that ever happened to him. After two days—bam! We go back to being dudes, and he leaves me to check out a waitress! A waitress! Not that I have anything against the noble ladies who work hard into the night. But really—that's what he prefers? Where have I been remiss in my judgment? I'm so freakin' clueless. This has happened three times. Not the exact same thing, but pretty close. Maybe I'm giving off the vibes that I'm easy. . . . Say it ain't so!
I'm going to let your jab at service professionals slide for a moment. (Though that was a shitty thing to say. Not to mention stupid. Waiting tables is an honorable job and one that most people I know—myself included—have done over the years. Hell, if I were a waitress at a snazzy place instead of a marginally employed writer, I wouldn't be in the dire financial straits I'm in right now.)
OK, so maybe I didn't let it slide. But what it comes down to is that you were out with a guy you just had conjugal relations with and he's hitting on another broad? In front of you?!? Whether it's Flo from the diner or Carmen Fucking Elektra, this is completely unacceptable behavior on his part. You shouldn't be wondering what type of woman this moron prefers; you should take this as an indication that you are dealing with a self-absorbed jackass who is bereft of even the most rudimentary of manners and doesn't deserve the privilege of putting his manparts inside you ever again. In a perfect world, he would be wearing your meal after such a display. Seriously.
My guess is that since this keeps happening, you're a little too easygoing and one-of-the-guys with these dudes you're doing. If you're all casual about doing the nasty, they figure it doesn't mean so much to you and feel free to do things like hit on waitresses during your postcoital brunch. (Please tell me you at least dumped your coffee on him.)
So many women worry about being "cool" and not coming off as neurotic basketcases that they err in the opposite direction. Demanding to be treated with respect does not make you a freak. You have every right to expect that the gentleman who just jizzed up your sheets will pay attention to you, not the hot waitress.
You really need to take a step back and assess your situation. Perhaps you shouldn't let someone live out a fantasy with you until your relationship is on terra firma. There is a certain breed of mental midget who'll look at a wild girl and think that if you're willing to swallow and do anal with him, who else are you doing it with?
If you're looking for something more than a one-night stand, you have to make that clear to both yourself and the man you're dating. I know it's boring and involves talking, but you should also consider getting to know the dude a little better before you get naked with him.
So next time you meet a potential paramour, hang back a little. Play, if not hard to get, at least somewhat less slutty. As tempting as it may be, don't blow him in the bathroom between courses. At least not 'til your third date.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.