I have been in a relationship with a guy I'm crazy about for almost a year. It's great on most levels. We don't live together, but we see each other about twice a week and are quite happy with this arrangement.
But there's one thing I haven't quite figured out about our relationship: I've noticed that the more prepared I am to have sex—i.e., freshly shaven in all areas, wearing something I look really hot in, etc.—the less likely I am to actually get any. I'm wondering if maybe I give off an overconfident vibe that turns him off.
It seems as though the less prepared I am, the more likely it is that he'll be really turned on and start pawing at me. I enjoy sex more when I have smooth legs and am feeling super clean and sexy, but he has actually told me that guys don't really need that sort of thing to be turned on. However, I'm still left wondering why being ready seems to be a turnoff.
While I realize this is hardly a major problem, I was curious as to whether or not this is a common phenomenon, and what your experience has been on the subject.
In the nearly seven years I've been writing this column, do you know how many men have written in complaining about their girlfriend's stinky snatch or stubbly pits? None. Instead, I hear from men whose partners are too uptight to let them dine downtown. These poor ladies are deluded into thinking that their nether regions are too ripe or unsavory for their men's delicate constitutions. Feh. I got news for you, sister: Your average guy doesn't want a play date who's been showered, powdered, clipped, and made to smell like a pine tree. He wants a dirty girl. A challenge wrapped in a mystery. Someone who screams when she comes and isn't afraid to get sweaty.
So your worry about coming off as "overconfident" is unfounded. We ladies like to kid ourselves about these mythical guys who are "intimidated" by us because we're "too confident" or "too successful" or "too smart." Unless the dude's a dumbass, he'll like a confident, successful, smart broad.
What you're dealing with is a different breed. I'm betting your guy likes to feel like he's in charge and that maybe he's convincing you to do something you're not entirely sold on. Something nasty. Something bad. Something naughty. I know, I know; it's kind of silly and slightly retarded, but also rather sweet, don't you think? Just a little?
He's going to kill me for writing this, but I know what I'm talking about because my Special Naked Friend happens to be one of these guys, too. I can be sitting around in a naughty nightie, all lipsticked up, fresh and rarin' to go, and I'll get zero play. Know what works for him? Me, wearing ratty shorts, a sports bra (the No. 1 least attractive undergarment known to womankind), and a T-shirt, on the floor, doing crunches. For some inexplicable reason, he finds this unspeakably hot. I don't get it, but I've adapted. (Though I will never understand the fixation with the sports bra, I suppose it could be worse.)
You say you're happier getting down when you're not dirty, so next time you're going to see him, do your hair removal/clean routine and then throw on a pair of old jeans and a T-shirt. Act like you've got a lot on your mind and sex is the furthest thing from it. I know what you're thinking—that this is a lot of game playing and you just want to get laid already. I feel your pain, but bear with me.
You know the Girl of Date is generally a straight shooter, so look at it this way: Some guys get turned on by high heels or massive boobies or having someone pee in their mouth. Our boys get off on thinking they invented sex. They've probably got a bit of caveman mixed in there, as well as various other politically incorrect leanings, but in the pantheon of perversions, this one is mild and easy schmeasy to handle.
Like 'em dirty? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.