WE WERE NEVER sure why the mayoral and City Council intern program was suddenly discontinued last year. Impressionable young teenagers applied in droves, and they certainly helped perk up the proceedings at City Hall. Maybe too much, however, as these hitherto secret IM transcripts reveal. (Caution: Due to the extremely graphic nature of these communications, reader discretion is advised.)
From the AOL account of City Council member Nick Licata:
NaL53: . . . hey, what are u doin?
Intern4: just chillin
NaL53: what are u wearing?
Intern4: cargo pants and a t-shirt
NaL53: are they made of organic hemp?
Intern4: um, should they be?
NaL53: of course! wasteful irrigation in indonesia and other cotton growing regions is depleting the global water table!
Intern4: i took off my t-shirt, and the tag says it's "hecho in mexico" . . .
NaL53: even worse! do u know what they pay workers in the maquiladoras?
NaL53: that's right, and i even wrote a poem about oppressed maquiladora workers. in spanish. do u want to read it?
Intern4: um . . . i gotta go check my compost pile. for, like, science class
NaL53: remember to till it gently! worms have feelings, too! i also wrote a poem about the worms. in spanish. would u like to read it . . . ?
From the AOL account of Mayor Greg Nickels:
GaN54: . . . so how was lacrosse practice?
Intern7: i'm pretty sore. i could use a massage
GaN54: your muscles are sore?
Intern7: yeah, we do a lot of running, and the field is pretty rough
GaN54: what??? what's wrong with the lacrosse field?
Intern7: the grass is kinda patchy and uneven
GaN54: children practicing on an unsafe playfield! you mean at [redacted] park?
Intern7: i think . . .
GaN54: never mind, i know the location and the groundskeeper! heads will roll!
Intern7: it's really not so bad . . .
GaN54: tomorrow morning tim ceis will mow it himself
From the AOL account of City Council member Richard Conlin:
RaC51: . . . did you read those regional transit interconnectivity briefing papers i gave you?
Intern8: u mean like bridges and stuff should make me horny?
RaC51: no! they're vital to the local economy! there's nothing more exciting than transportation and infrastructure planning. especially the reports with graphs
Intern8: they were kinda difficult to read. u know, **hard**, if u get my drift.
RaC51: no i don't. you need to focus on how the needs of eastside commuters are being met during off-peak hours via inter-modal congestion reduction forecasting models. Just read the spreadsheet i attached.
Intern8: couldn't u send, like, a **picture** or something
RaC51: great idea! i have some 520 stall-and-backup photos that are just fascinating. they really make you consider the four-lane versus six-lane feasibility studies
Intern8: um, whatever. i think i hear my mom coming. gotta study now.
From the AOL account of City Council member Peter Steinbrueck:
PaS55: . . . have you made the popsicle stick model of the potential viaduct rebuild yet? it's very important for our presentation
Intern12: couldn't we just use powerpoint, sir?
PaS55: no! you can't get a 3-D real feel for architecture on a computer! besides, i've got a great idea for how we can paint the foreground people figurines for scale
Intern12: couldn't we just use a ruler?
PaS55: we need a cross section of seattle citizens. I'm thinking the men should mostly be in gabardines and plaid, being fall. the women should wear sweaters in oranges and browns, to match the turning leaves of the trees along alaskan way.
PaS55: we can use tiny bits of colored sponge to emulate the foliage. It won't take long to create a speckled autumnal pattern of individual leaves
PaS55: it'll be fun! when i was your age, i used to spend hours alone in my room—days, really, even sometimes weeks— hand-painting the leaves on my architectural models
PaS55: but Dad never paid any attention! not one goddamn word of praise!
Intern12: i'm getting really tired, sir, and i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english
From the AOL account of Mayor Greg Nickels (excerpt 2):
GaN54: . . . so what did you have for dinner?
Intern7: ya know—fries, burgers, a milk shake. and later my bros and i got some pizza after seeing Jackass 2
GaN54: mmmmm, pizza. i don't understand how u can eat that stuff and stay so skinny
Intern7: good metabolism, i guess?
GaN54: my wife had our number blocked at Pagliacci's
Intern7: that is so harsh
GaN54: she even locks the refrigerator at night
Intern7: can't you sneak out to Dick's?
GaN54: she also hides the car keys
Intern7: brutal. couldn't you ride your bike? that would, like, even out the calories
GaN54: they don't make a helmet in my size. sometimes i feel like frozen waffles are my only friend. but how was Jackass 2?
From the cell phone records of City Council member Richard McIver:
Intern12: . . . wassup bro?
RaM50: don't call me bro, young man, unless you want a good thrashing. where have manners gone?
Intern12: sorry. u said you might help me with my math homework. it's wicked hard
RaM50: i'm not at my computer. i'm texting you from the Four Seas right now
RaM50: seas. seas as in oceans as in the majesty of the maritime domain. poseidon's realm. neptune's briny kingdom. safe harbor for we weary sailors of the governmental blue. in short, it's a noble establishment where a thinking man can weigh anchor, enjoy a pack of Kool menthols, and ruminate over a few rounds of Jameson without the nagging of those small-minded japers on the council. petty knaves, all of them.
Intern12: so my homework problem is setting a monthly budget . . .
RaM50: ah! the world is a budget, child, our scribbling riseth toward the heavenly abacus, dipped in terrestrial ink. all our round knowledge doth from numbers spring. history is but the bottom line of a well-ruled ledger. remember that, son.
Intern12: ok, sir
RaM50: but O! cruel mistress budget may favor us one day, then her countenance darken like the tempest-tossed sea. woe to the captain, carrying a cargo of numbers, who fails to honor her dread majesty! she is to be respected, loved, feared, paid due fealty, this budgetary goddess, for in her fair bosom are roads, bridges, street-paving contracts, and Sound Transit lines contained. verily, she giveth life in her bountiful numbers, and deals cold death to those men who shame her with deficits, revenue shortfalls, and financial gimmicks. for in the end, we are all brought to her strict yet merciful final accounting.
Intern12: so on my homework i should write that "a budget is an all-powerful goddess that should be feared and respected"?
RaM50: i'll drink to that, son. in fact i already have
From the AOL account of City Council member Jean Godden:
JaG65: . . . hello? is this the operator?
Intern9: no, ms. godden, it's me, your intern
JaG65: i'd like to make a trunk call, please
Intern9: no, you're text-messaging your intern
JaG65: i'm trying to reach lakeshore 5753 . . .
Intern9: ms. godden, you can use a computer and skype for that
JaG65: "skype"? I don't know any "skype." who is this? why are you calling me?
Intern9: no, ma'am, you're the one messaging me
JaG65: is this some kind of prank?
Intern9: ms. godden, i showed you how to IM at work
JaG65: mike? is that you, mike seely? why won't you bloggers leave me alone?!?