Looking for Trouble

Why question a good thing?

I'm a 22-year-old male and I live in Namibia, Africa. I've been going out with a girl for four months and love her dearly.

How can one test your girl to see if she really does love you and won't leave you for anyone? She's really special, but I don't want to put my heart on someone that will leave me after two years without any regrets. She left her previous lover because she didn't feel the love anymore. Meaning that her fire goes out really quickly. Any advice?

Abrie

Where the hell do you find Seattle Weekly in Namibia! Do y'all have Starbucks down there? I knew the paper's new owners were looking to increase circulation, but damn!

Anyway. To get to your dilemma . . . I think that at 22, most people's flames are a fickle beast. In the [indecipherable] years since granny here was 22, I've run through countless true loves. I had a lot of fun and a ton of heartache. If I could've tested each of my boyfriends to see who'd last and who wouldn't, I suspect I'd still be a virgin.

I suppose you could hire a private eye and have your girlfriend followed, or hack into her e-mail to see what she's saying about you to her friends, but that would be rather unseemly. Or maybe you could ask your most handsome friend to try and woo her away, but really . . . what would that prove? I'll tell you what. It would prove nothing more than that you're kind of a jerk. And you're not. I can tell.

So just settle down and enjoy what you have for as long as you have it. Love, much like used cars and pencil erasers, doesn't come with any guarantees.

I'm a 37-year-old Seattle professional and I've been seeing someone for nearly three years now (though we were friends for 10 years prior to this). He is kind and considerate and sweet. He is a good person, in the way that so many aren't; he truly cares about people and always does what he says he will do.

We moved in together about two years ago and are still happy. Both of us have always said that we never wanted to get married—that neither one of us needed or wanted it. (He never has been; I was for nine miserable years.) I already have a child, and he decided long ago that he didn't want to have any of his own, so this is not an issue. So what is the problem with this idyllic situation, you ask?

Three years in and I have been thinking how much I might actually want to get married again. I feel like maybe I need to get out because he won't marry me and I am wasting time—but at the same time, I am really in love, we have a great relationship, and I tear up just thinking of being without him. In my head, I've kind of considered giving this a five-year limit without the band of gold.

What is wrong with me? Why am I not satisfied with the way things are? He truly is one in a million, and I have already dated the other 999,999.

Never Satisfied

How exactly are you "wasting time"? By being in a great, healthy relationship with someone who loves the hell out of you and—presumably—your kid? There are loads of valid reasons for getting married, and you didn't mention one of them. You've done it before—what's so great about it? This guy has one fault as far as I can tell, and that's an aversion to legal commitment ceremonies. Not only that, when you hooked up with him, that was one of the things you found attractive about him!

What you did was change the rules of the game. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to marry you; he just isn't big on the idea of marriage. But have you broached the subject with him? You changed your mind, how do you know he hasn't changed his? But I'd suggest before you ask him, you come up with some reasons why walking down the aisle is suddenly such a good idea, because frankly, it seems like you're looking for trouble where there is none.

Got troubles? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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