Sane-Sex Relationships

The "crazy" conundrum.

I have just ended a tumultuous relationship full of obsession, neediness, and suffocation—not to mention some low-end abusiveness (mostly verbal, but even some physical). I must admit, part of the reason I stayed so long was that even though I was not so physically attracted to mon amour, the sex was pretty amazing. In fact, she could pretty much get me to orgasm each and every time, effortlessly, and that's no small task.

So now that I'm in a good relationship —one that is more than fulfilling in every way (I even get goose bumps and chills when we are together)—this woman sometimes misses the point, or the, um, pressure points therein. I have quietly guided, cajoled, and even whispered sweet directives, but so far, not so good.

How can I direct her in the right direction without hurting her feelings or ego?

One aside: I have been able to get her to have multiples—and even ejaculate!—time after time, so I think there's possibility. . . .

Crazy broads are notoriously good in bed—even more so when they're fugly. (Sadly, this doesn't cross over to their bonkers brethren, or I would've seen a lot more hot booty action back in the day.) See, unattractive sociopaths have to have some compelling qualities; otherwise they'd never get laid. That this ex was a maniac between the sheets doesn't surprise me a bit—she had to be. What other choice did she have? Hmmm . . . needy, abusive (and btw, there's no such thing as "low-end" when it comes to that), and from what you describe, not exactly a beauty queen. She'd best know her way around a vagina.

You, my friend, got sucked down into the vortex of cuckoo via your cooter. Not a pretty place to be, no matter how eyepopping the orgasms. Congrats on finally extricating yourself from that mess. Perhaps a little self-examination is in order so we don't find ourselves in that boat again, OK?

On to the new, hopefully sane, girl. . . . Asking for what you want in bed is a delicate matter, but one that's easily finessed. Especially when you aren't worried about being murdered in your sleep.

There's one popular school of thought that says you should discuss it when you're both fully clothed and doing something unrelated to knocking boots—like eating breakfast or protesting the genocide in Darfur. But I think that taking it out of the bedroom makes it a bigger deal than it has to be. I know that when I'm asked to sit down for "a talk," I immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. And this is sex we're talking about—it's supposed to be fun.

A considerate partner is going to want to get you off. Not to say there aren't some lost causes. I had one boyfriend who was so intensely lame that the one time I actually came with him inside me, he accused me of faking it! Ha! Like I'm that considerate.

My advice is to bring it up post-squirt, when she's all panting and wide-eyed. I feel I must digress for a minute to tell you how impressed I am that you got your girlfriend to ejaculate. Could I possibly convince you to please send detailed instructions to my boyfriend, because this girl has never had that happen!

Tell her how amazed you are by the gusher and that you want that, too. Give her an assignment, damn it. I think that if you keep your tone light and happy, you have a better chance of getting what you want. I'd also invest in some girl-on-girl porn—I was perusing Babeland.com and stumbled across Squirtwoman. True, the title isn't exactly appealing, but the description promises the "bubbly Cytherea successfully coaxing a procession of women into squirting. . . . " Color me intrigued!

The biggest hump (ha!) you have to get over is actually bringing it up in the first place. Put the burden on you. Politely and sweetly try blurting out, "This is what I need." Then show her. The female orgasm is an elusive and picky beast. What works for one lady merely annoys another. A nice girl will understand that.

Not getting what you need? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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