Horoscopes

September 6-12, 2006

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Most Virgos aren't procrastinators. Oh sure, like everyone, you've occasionally let something slide until the last minute and then had to scramble to get it done. Luckily, you're a better scrambler than most, so hardly anyone even noticed how precariously close to disaster it all was. But let's be realistic. You don't actually have tons of experience with being under the wire, not compared to chronic postponers like those Libras or Pisces. Consequently, this week's events may catch you off-guard. Deadlines get pushed up or sneak up. Get ready to scramble. It's time to pull off a minor miracle, again.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

A seed, or an egg for that matter, is packed with nutrition designed to feed a fledgling being during the early stages of its development. That's why they're so coveted by other creatures. Beware, Libra, because you're due to receive something very much like a seed this week: small, but packed with potential and opportunity. What's to beware? Well, accompanying this little blessing are vultures, of a sort, eager to snatch it from you if they get a chance. Now that I've warned you, however, I expect that you'll make sure they don't get the slightest opportunity, right?

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

It's not that you're disingenuous. Far from it. But sometimes you simply have too much on your mind to be fully present, so you might come off as not giving a shit. Sometimes that's no big deal. But occasionally, you don't notice that this time it's actually important that you pay attention and not be distracted by your own thoughts and concerns. This week, be careful about when you allow your inner universe to dominate your awareness and when you ought to let the real world intrude. There are a couple moments that you'd really rather not miss.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

These days, people are blogging from even the most remote, inhospitable, or dangerous corners of the earth (see aliveinbaghdad.org for an example). We have unprecedented access to each other's lives and experiences. You can find out what it's like to be an average dude in China, a spoiled teenager in Long Island, or a female artist in Iraq. So there's no excuse for the "been there, done that, seen it all" attitude you've (at least secretly) been wearing the past couple weeks. There's so much you haven't seen or done yet. If you can't find it, it's because you're not looking hard enough, or in the right places.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

At the moment your heart is a castle fortress, surrounded by a moat, hidden by leagues of impassable thorny rose bushes, and not printed on any map. And now you're populating the moat with crocodiles, piranhas, and flesh-eating bacteria, as if all of the aforementioned protective bullshit wasn't enough. It wasn't always this way, though, was it? I know you've been screwed (a few times). I can appreciate making it difficult for anyone to get in there before your heart is fully healed. But aren't you maybe making it just a tad too challenging? You can keep your heart safe while still making it possible for someone determined and worthy enough to get in. Why don't you try?

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Aquarians often loudly advertise their open-mindedness, and with good reason. You are, by and large, utterly reasonable about life and all that it presents to you. But nearly every Aquarian I've met is plagued by a subtle and pervasive piece of illogic he probably picked up in his childhood and has never gotten around to extinguishing. It's not usually anything monstrous, like an aversion to queers or black people, but it's still quite capable of cutting into your genuine enjoyment and appreciation of aspects of the world around you. Anyway, this week you're likely to be confronted with your own tiny brand of prejudice in a way you can't deny. It might not be pleasant, but it's sure good for you.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Can I revise my opinion about you again, Pisces? It's not my fault I've changed my mind so much—your frequent transformations merit different responses, including this latest astonishing development. I've seen you, in the past, heed your own conflicting urges to such an extent that you ended up not going anywhere or doing anything. But in recent weeks you've demonstrated that—when properly motivated—you can move, swiftly, and not only get the job done, but get it done well. That was a nice surprise. What's even more surprising? There's more where that came from. This week you're capable of productivity that would make a Virgo proud. Show us what you can do.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

No one blames you for having a generally confrontational nature. You're named after the Greek god of war, after all. But this week you must nevertheless put aside your weapons (whatever forms they take) and make peace with any and all who desire it. This might involve some major flexibility on your part. You're used to just grabbing what you want, so you might be surprised when your willingness to compromise and be adaptable earn you huge rewards. The victors reap the spoils. But sharing them with those you've fought with is a reward you just can't put a price on.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Sometimes you don't even know you've made a mistake (even a very severe one) until long afterward. (See half of your past relationships, for examples.) This makes learning from your errors truly difficult. But every once in a while, you can sense that what you're up to is a colossal blunder even while it's happening. That shouldn't keep you from going there anyway—you might be wrong about being wrong, after all—but pay attention. If it turns out you've screwed up, I want you to know exactly how you did it, so you never do anything like it again.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

If the signs were water, Pisces would be a deep, still lake, Cancer the ocean, and you Twins would be summer rain—warm, sometimes gentle, sometimes fierce, eager to mix with sunlight and make rainbows, unpredictable, and dramatic. You're also just as essential, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. During dry summers, plants wither and die and the world becomes a sweaty, smelly, oppressive, and aggressive place. Not everyone may appreciate you—this you're likely to learn this week—but they ought to respect you nonetheless, because they need you, whether they know it or not.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

I recently compared you to the ocean (see Gemini) because you're exactly that changeable, and complex. Sometimes you're a source of lazy serenity, languidly lapping at your shores, and at other times you're capable of drowning force and fierce destructiveness. This is all fascinating, but the problem some people have with it is that it's all so out of control. Even you can't say what comes next. Isn't it high time you got a handle on that turbulent inner world? I'm not saying you need to really control your feelings (although naturally that might be an option). All I'm suggesting is that you figure out a way to equip us (and yourself) with some kind of early warning system, so the next time a tropical storm hits, we'll be prepared.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Leos make fantastic lovers, but they're not for everyone. For someone who values loyalty, enthusiasm, and generosity, among other things, you could be ideal. But for someone who needs constant excitement and ever-changing circumstances, you might come off as a tad predictable. This shouldn't be taken too hard. Too many Leos let getting dumped really screw with their self-esteem, when most of the time it's not that they suck, it's just that their partners were looking for something else entirely (something perhaps better provided by a Scorpio, or Pisces). Trying to convince someone you rock when they're not prepared to see it is no fun. Don't bother. Wait until you find someone who knows you rock already. We're out there.

 
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