Horoscopes

July 12-18, 2006

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

One of your primary recurring life lessons is releasing your attachments to things—especially ideas, especially hoped-for ideas. There's one thing in particular right now that I'm talking about. Whether it's a specific relationship with another person or a different way of doing your current relationship, it's important to you—and, therefore, ever so hard to just chill out about. Probably whoever else is involved isn't making it any easier; she or he is engaged in all sorts of button pushing. Still, if you can, look past that shit. I don't know if this is another one of those things you absolutely have to let go of. But it'll certainly work out better if you do.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

I can spot a fellow Leo a mile away. We're rarely the funniest, loudest, or most physically beautiful people in the room. But most of us do possess a sort of radiance that's unmatchable by any other sign. It's true, some people are completely immune to it, but many are drawn to it compulsively. These are the ones I'd like to remind you about this week. You've spent too much of the past six months trying to impress people who couldn't give two shits (because they're looking for the most hilarious or gorgeous person around), rather than simply paying attention to your already substantial fan base. There are so many people who think you're the cat's meow. Focus on them this week, and give them the love they so richly deserve—and actually want.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Yesterday, I watched a documentary that featured leopard slugs mating. Entwined around each other, they dangled from a thread of thick mucus, extended their exceptionally long, prehensile penises (they're hermaphroditic), and wrapped them around each other, expanding them until they formed a massive globular shape in which they could exchange sperm. Well, until I saw that, I thought some of your courtship and sensual practices were weird. Now, I've decided otherwise. As odd as you may be, you're plenty normal. This week, don't let anyone make you feel like a leper. Compared to some of the other shit out there, you're just plain vanilla. Own it, and enjoy it.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

If you act shittily toward someone, watch out. We're living in an era where your assholic behavior could be caught on tape and broadcast to the world. You never know who's recording (probably covertly) your rudeness or abuse, and where online it'll consequently pop up again. This would be especially galling for you, partially because of your extreme sensitivity to others' opinions, but mostly because being rude or abusive is definitely out of character for you. However, you can't say it's never happened. Just be sure you can say it almost never happens, and definitely won't this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Rutting season among herd beasts is a favorite time for predators because the males use up all their energy screwing and fighting other testosterone-charged males for the right to screw. Thus, when a lioness or hyena pack comes calling, they have nothing left with which to flee or struggle against the hungry, sharp-toothed carnivores. I don't suppose you're horny enough to use up all your vitality getting laid—but you are screwing yourself by devoting just that bit too much time and energy in its pursuit. I couldn't possibly ask you to tone down your extreme personality in the long-term—it's part of what makes you so fascinating and sexy. But this week, could you act more like, I don't know, an Aquarius?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Some men will boast about anything (especially if they're drunk enough): how expensive their cars are, the size of their dicks, their ability to drink more than the next guy. You're generally too cool to get sucked into that ridiculousness; more often than not, you're on the sidelines having a good laugh with the rest of us. But you can occasionally let your ego get out of hand, and that's a danger this week. Be careful to avoid another kind of bragging contest, one with consequences more serious than a few rolled eyes, laughs at your expense, and a terrible hangover the next day.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

My dog will brave massive thunderstorms, long, chaotic road trips, screaming children with grabby hands, fireworks, and clumsy drunk people with equal aplomb. But the wind rustling a curtain or making a door swing fills him with tremendous anxiety. I wish I could figure out what's going on in his head, so I could help him get over his fears. I wish the same thing for you—because to me, some of your most immediate anxieties are as nonsensical as being terrified by a gentle breeze. Fear doesn't have to make sense. But (unlike my dog) you can use logic to help you live with it (and without being limited by it). This week, try that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

You're a pretty astute and together person, but in one area of your life, you suck. It's as if you've fallen completely asleep, and you're making important decisions in the surreality of your dreams. They make no sense out here, in the real world, at least to the rest of us. I doubt they'd hold much water for you, either, if you'd manage to actually realistically examine them. Unfortunately, these choices have to do with things that are essentially nonrational—like who you're attracted to (and who you're not)—so it's understandable that they're immune to logic or common sense. But whether you act on these irrational, dreamlike urges is another matter. Get advice from someone you trust—someone you think really knows how to live her life—then follow it.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Some Pisces don't do much self-promotion, ostensibly to avoid being like those people who are constantly, obnoxiously, selling themselves and what they do. But you could (and should) get away with doing a bit more advertising of your virtues than you have. After all, you have a lot more to offer than most of those sellouts; you're actually original and talented. I'm not asking you to become a total attention whore, but being psychotically shy or modest isn't going to get you anywhere. I know, I know—you're not even sure you want to get anywhere. But we want—and need—you to. So do it for us, would you?

Aries (March 21–April 19)

No one expects you to be realistic, Aries. It's not in your essential nature, which is wired to act upon hopes and aspirations, not cynically limited realities. There are plenty of dreamers out there, but these days hardly anyone is willing to leap, repeatedly, based on self-faith alone. There are times when reality ought to intrude and tell you to pursue a different course—but this isn't one of them. This might ultimately not be the path for you. But there's no way to figure that out, one way or the other, until you've proceeded quite a ways farther down it.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Things aren't going so well with one particular arena of your life, so you're thinking of paring back how much time and energy you put into that aspect of things. Bad move. Now, when things are so crap, is when you should be amping up your efforts in that department. You might think that toning things down will make them better, but you're dead wrong. What you actually need to do is step up your game. Make things more intense, time-consuming, and perhaps even a bit out of control. Then, weirdly, they'll also get good. Probably really good.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Most Geminis I know are pretty up on the latest things. But there are a few who've managed to fall (almost) hopelessly behind. These poor Twins just throw up their hands and turn their attention to something else because it's simply too daunting to jump into now. I hope you're not one of these, but if you are, get some help. It's not too late to catch up. You remember how Grandma needed help operating her incredibly simple VCR? Do you really want to fill her shoes? If you're stuck in the back of the class, do what every dumb jock has done when he wanted to stay on the team—find some nerd to help you get a passing grade.

 
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