My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. When we first met, I didn't care about him checking out other girls, but once I actually started to have genuine feelings for him, everything changed. I started to go crazy with jealousy anytime he wanted to watch porn—a feeling that I don't like at all, but it seems almost beyond my control.
All about Judy McGuire, in her own words. Words like: "It was just kind of frustrating, trying to get a sane answer out of an editor who'd spent the morning doing bong hits." (Gothamist)
I must point out that my boyfriend's porn watching is very minimal, but the thought of him getting aroused by another woman drives me insane! We have a good relationship; we're compatible, we love each other, and we have plans to spend a good portion of our lives together. Another twist in the story is that I like watching porn too sometimes. But when he does it, it makes me nuts. He told me that he would never stop watching it—that it was a "guy thing," and that no matter who I ended up with in life, I was going to encounter the same issue.
Mostly, though, I'm worried about nudie bars. His brother got engaged recently, and I know there's a bachelor party around the corner. I am freaking out because I know naked girls—strippers—will be involved.
I don't have any real-life relationship models, so I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel. I see that on TV (the only model I've ever had, sad but true), girlfriends/wives let their boyfriends/husbands go to bachelor parties and watch porn without making a big deal about it. Is this really normal? Is it true that no matter how much a guy loves you, he's always gonna wanna see some other chick's tits and ass? Do I have to just let this be one of those things that isn't worth fighting over? What's the sane, rational policy on strip joints? I really value your opinion!
I know it's supposed to be all rainbows, porky winged angels, hearts, and flowers, but falling in love is scary business.
But not as scary as you're making it.
Think about the situation in reverse. Is your boyfriend really the only man you could ever imagine yourself having sex with? Does the fact that you sometimes fantasize about Jake Gyllenhaal finger-banging you atop the Space Needle have any affect on the way you feel about your man? In fact, if the Jakester were to come on to you, you'd probably decline. (OK, or not, but hopefully you've thought ahead and put him on your Get Out of Jail Free list.)
There is a huge divide between what goes on in your head and what happens in your hands and pants. You need to figure out why boyfriend being aroused by other women—especially dames on TV that he'll never ever meet!—freaks you out so much. Are you worried the ladies of porn are hotter than you? That if he sees a woman with a bigger rack, flatter tummy, or more bodacious booty, he's going to ditch you because you're somehow lacking? I'm sure he's got a few shortcomings in the bod department—don't you overlook them?
There is always going to be someone better looking, smarter, funnier, blonder, or more whatever than you. However, the same goes for him. Finding other people attractive—no matter how in love you are—is normal. Acting on it is when it becomes problematic, but it doesn't sound like he's done that. You can't let it make you nuts. You say you have no relationship models except what you've seen on TV (please tell me you're not watching the Bobbie Brown show!), so maybe this is something you want to discuss with a licensed professional. Really. I'd hate to see you screw up what sounds like a good thing.
As far as bachelor parties go, I'm a fairly easygoing lady, and even I think bachelor parties are bullshit. The practice of celebrating one's impending nuptials by having a strange naked lady rub up against you and your drunkypants friends? That's like me celebrating my birthday by clawing my own eye out—does not compute. You are far from alone in being infuriated by this retarded ritual. It's up to you to determine what your boundaries are; mine are look, but your testicles are mine if you dare touch.
Got a problem with porn? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.