I am dating a fantastic man. I'm 37 years old and have never been married. I've dated all types, and this one is a catch. He's 38, handsome, successful, has a great family and super friends, is honest and loyal, and has great morals. We get along great. But there's a catch. (Isn't there always?) Our sex life is severely lacking in two areas: frequency and quality. The worst part is, we've only been together six months.
I know it's not fair to generalize, but it has always been my experience that a man's libido is usually higher than a woman's. My libido is unusually high, so I've been lucky enough to have been compatible in this area with most of the men I've dated in the past. This boyfriend is different, though. He claims to be extremely attracted to me, but never initiates sex and rarely wants it. When we do have it, I usually have to get things going.
He claims that he usually gets more attracted to someone with time; however, he has also admitted to dating another girl before me with whom he had sex quite frequently, and they only dated a few months. I have asked him what it was about her that made him want her all the time, but he couldn't tell me. In fact, he tells me he thinks I'm "the one." He says he's never loved anyone like he loves me and that I'm the only girl he's ever dated that he's wanted to marry. As you can imagine, I'm a little perplexed. I've also had most of my married friends tell me just the opposite of what he claims—that sex only gets less frequent with time.
If we could get the "frequency" problem down, then there's a "quality" issue, too. Sex sessions are usually not more than five minutes long and are very unsatisfying. I have not had a "surprise" (if you know what I mean) yet. Not once. He gets his "surprise"—obviously—every time. I have asked him before why it doesn't bother him that I don't get "taken care of" during sex, and he says he doesn't know. The whole issue is very hard for him to talk about.
Can you suggest anything? I'm desperate here! I really love this man and would like to save the relationship, if it is salvageable.
Hmmm. This "great guy" doesn't like sex, and when he does bother to put it to you, he's inconsiderate and selfish. I would have to disagree with your definition of "a catch."
See, a catch has sex with you. If a catch doesn't get you off initially, he'll work until the job is done—employing many different methods (even possibly battery-operated devices), if need be. A catch will listen to you and not answer important questions regarding your lack of orgasm with a shrug. No small wonder you call it a "surprise."
Ponder that while we discuss this alleged ex-girlfriend. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that his claims of frequent mind-blowing sex prior to you are probably untrue. A lie he intended (whether consciously or not) to make you believe that the problem is yours—because there is a problem. I wish you could track this ex down and ask her for yourself, but I suppose there are more important things than vindication. Like getting laid.
And your friends are right—sex doesn't become more frequent as time goes by. (Take it from someone who's been with her boyfriend for almost two years!) These should be your hottest hours.
The whys of his lack of libido could be anything from a physical problem to a pharmaceutical short circuit. There's always the possibility that he has some tiresome Madonna/whore damage; he wouldn't want to defile "The One." Or he's not attracted to you. Or he's gay. Who knows?
Certainly not you, because he won't talk about it.
Sex is a huge part of a grown-up relationship. It's very nice that he talks about marriage (we ladies love that), but why would you even consider getting hitched to a three-pump chump who doesn't even bother to help you get off after he's gotten his?
Trust the voice of experience: Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.