Lady-in-Waiting (and Waiting and Waiting . . . )

As weird as this may seem, even though I am not all that attracted to my girlfriend, we have really good sex. Or at least we used to have good sex.

When we first got together, our relationship was only about sex. She would come over, we'd have sex, and she would go home. Back then, it was all about me. But then she found out I was good at topping. Not being the top was all new to her, so she got very excited. I mean, she raves about how good I am. She even sometimes cries during sex and has these crazy multiple orgasms!

She's never had that before, so lately, I have been more the giver than the receiver. The last few times we were together, it's been her having these insane multiple orgasms and then nearly snoring when it was my turn. I actually think I got too good, and now I get nothing!

It's becoming this weird dynamic—like, she uses all the terms with me, and apparently I am a "strong top." (I have learned the lingo—she tops from the bottom.) While I am impressed with my ability to make her have these L Word–type moments in bed, I am getting bored, and this ain't going to work since it's a major part of our relationship.

Sometimes she gives it a halfhearted try, but it's not working! Like last night, we went to Babeland and picked up a few things, including this fancy-ass vibrator. So we get into bed, and she starts it immediately and wants to use it on me right away. Um, a lady needs a little time, right? Like, go right on in with this thing called the Power Pleasure without any prep time? Come on!! That's unpleasant and is as effective as scooping out hardened ice cream.

I don't know what I am asking except how do I word, "Um, I am just not having fun lately"? I think she may be clueless.

Shafted

After writing 295 columns, I thought I'd seen it all. But you, little missy, deserve a big fat gold star for being the first person ever to write in complaining about being too good in bed! Congratulations!

Now on to your problem. The answer is simple: You need to talk to her. While it'd be swell if our Special Naked Friends could read our minds, they can't. Sometimes this is willful; other times, they really are just clueless.

Willful cluelessness is jamming an electrical appliance at your completely unprepared nether regions. That is totally unacceptable behavior. I am shocked that it's another woman pulling this. That would be like a female gyno neglecting to warm up the speculum first! It's simply bad manners and needs to be nipped in the bud. I don't care how hip to the lingo she is, girlfriend is in need of some education.

But the rest of her behavior points to a genuine lack of awareness. As she's used to running the show, I'm sure you can understand how this is all new and different for her. So OK, we're willing to give her a week or two of tear-jerking, mind-blowing multiple orgasms, but now it's your turn. The novelty is over—time for you to get yours.

And as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to sit her down and tell her what's what. Be kind, but be direct. I can't tell you how much time I wasted with shitty sex partners, all because I was too embarrassed to tell them what I needed. Now, when my SNF is a little too quick on the draw, I direct him to my girl parts and tell him he needs to do a little more work. In a nice way, of course. The female orgasm can be an elusive beast (um, unless you're sleeping with you, apparently!), and there's no shame in asking for a little extra.

Since she tends to fall asleep after she gets off (are you sure she's not a dude?), I'd recommend she take care of you first. Or you could switch off nights. Perhaps it's not the most romantic scenario, but it's certainly preferable to blue vulva.

There's no shame in asking for help. Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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