Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

You've ventured into a very specialized shop that sells only one kind of thing. It's not the Hello Kitty store, though—more like Capricorn Land. You may think being surrounded by people who naturally gravitate toward your way of doing things, like the things you like, and yield to your suggestions would be wonderful—but I suspect it's one of those too-much-of-a-good-thing scenarios. You like challenges and disagreements. Being surrounded by people who agree with you and unfailingly support you means that you can't achieve your full potential, which is best arrived at through testing of your ideas and principles. Now that you're here, check out what it's like, and play a little—but start looking for the exits, too.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

It's really no fun to feel like you're annoying and unpleasant to be around. To your credit, you've really taken some people's reactions to heart and wondered if you're that awful. But never fear; although you're not perfect, of course, the problem here is that the person you're taking your cues from is simply too sensitive. While I wouldn't prescribe taking your leave of him entirely, a break might be in order. Your confidence took a beating over the holidays. Don't tax it too much by forcing yourself to endure heaps of criticism. Give it a holiday by mixing it up with people who enjoy you through and through.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

You can't keep from getting hurt. This is a lesson most Fish learn early on. Unfortunately, many of you adopt (also early on) prophylactic coping strategies, dulling the pain before it even occurs with food, drugs, alcohol, religion, avoidance, or other bad habits. These are OK as temporary measures, but not too healthy, ultimately. Luckily, this week you can practice forgoing your crutches, because you have easy comfort on hand—the adult equivalent of Mommy kissing it and making it all better—so there's no reason to fear or try (probably in vain) to avoid pain. Relief is right at hand.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Hook up with your fellow fire signs (other Aries, Leos, and Sagittarians) this week. You need to recharge—and so do they. It's exhausting to constantly endure the dampening influence of (nevertheless beloved) water signs. Take a break from your hypersensitive Piscean buddies or your picky Cancer companions. It's not their fault (or yours), but they just don't revel in you and your wild ways, not like those ever-enthusiastic Leos do. Luckily, though they're low on unhinged zeal, they have tons of something else: patience. In other words, go do what you have to do. They'll wait.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You're trapped in a maze, perhaps, but not lost. Maybe by now, you're like the fabled Minotaur—you've spent so long in these twisty corridors that they're like a second home. You know your way around. The path you have to walk is quite convoluted, but chances are you'll probably barely notice. Navigating this kind of tortuous route is old hat to you now, leaving you to concentrate on who else might be lost in here with you, and free to decide whether to destroy them like unwelcome intruders on your private domain or embrace them like long-lost lovers, finally come home.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

The other night, I dreamed you were exploring a decrepit old castle, shrouded in fog and mystery. You pried back the surface of a completely uninspired, amateurish portrait painting, and discovered beneath it an original, heretofore undiscovered masterpiece by someone famous and long dead. Needless to say, your find made you well-known and wealthy. To me, the clues and omens are as obvious and easy to read as a children's book: You should begin earnestly searching for something you haven't lost, hidden somehow right in front of you, probably obscured somehow by something (or someone) you look at every day. It could be worth quite a bit.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Rome's founders, Romulus and Remus, nearly perished as infants. Fortunately, instead of drowning, legend has it, they were plucked from the river by the sharp teeth of a she-wolf, who subsequently suckled them as her own until they were eventually claimed by a shepherd and his family. You could use some wolf's milk in your daily diet. Perhaps you know a she-wolf in human (or even inhuman) guise? Seek nourishment—spiritual, physical, or otherwise—from her now. Ask this lovely bitch (in all the best senses of the word) to cook you up a hot meal and serve it with words of wisdom about rearing kids, bringing home the bacon, and defending those you love, tooth and nail.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

One of the things you despise most is being given a verbal list of your more childish faults. This misery is most likely to be perpetrated by your family, who still think of you as their little kid anyway. So after enduring a more or less miserable episode or two at their well-meaning hands, what you need is the antidote to all that poison you've been forced to swallow. Luckily, it's near at hand: sex. Nothing's better at cleaning out all the crap (especially parental crap) than that classic rebellious act. Try it. Even if it proves them right about just how irresponsible you are, it still works.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Virgos are more likely to actually be friends with their folks than most. Perhaps it's because your parents recognized your overdeveloped sense of responsibility early on, and came to rely on you more as an equal than as someone they needed to give lots of guidance to. Many people live their whole lives without ever realizing that they could actually be friends with their moms, dads, or kids—even though they've managed to make friends with their friends' parents or rug rats. This week, help bridge this intergenerational gap—the parent-child thing isn't working anymore for someone (possibly even you). Update that software and start running the friends version. I think it'll serve everyone better.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Can't make up your mind? Are you bewildered by a lack of direction, or even clear signs about what options are on offer? There's only one escape from that limbo: Avoid mediocrity like the plague. It's time to hazard your precious, precarious balance. Instead of adding feathers to either end of the scale, thus never risking your now slightly stagnant equilibrium, try adding 10-ton weights to each side. Stop making excuses and try it, already. Not only will you and your life become vastly more interesting, but you'll know, quite quickly and clearly, which way you want to head and what you want to do when you get there.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Despite your propensities for extremes, I've rarely met an obese Scorpio. Why is that? It's because you don't do too much of one thing—you do too much of many things. They cancel themselves out to some extent. But some of those close to you—who might, I admit, be a bit too impressionable for their own good—could suffer by emulating you. Without the balancing influence of all those (sometimes contradictory) extremes, they could skew wildly out of control. If you're going to let someone take on the impossible task of trying to be even a little bit like you, please be prepared to take on the responsibility of making sure they survive it, too, would you?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You teenage rebel. There's part of you that'll never outgrow that spirited need for absolute independence, no matter how old you get. Avoid like the avian flu anyone who demands that you suppress it. Calls to "grow up" and "settle down" shouldn't be simply ignored but instead should be utterly repudiated. You'll settle down quite naturally when it's the right time—chances are a decade or two after most people get to this stuff. Find someone who doesn't want you to fit into some mold based on sitcom programming, because that's something you're simply not capable of (despite occasional temporary delusions to the contrary). Better yet, find someone who'll rebel with you. Then there'll be no end to your adventures.

 
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