Horoscopes

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

All it takes is one Piscean look of disdain and you're loaded up with all kinds of doubt. That "been there, done that" look they're so good at pulling can make you wonder if you're wasting your life in pursuit of goals that don't really matter. It's good to question yourself this way, even if it's unpleasant. But ultimately, who gives a fuck about others' opinions? You don't have to answer to them. The question that's important: Have you already been there and done that? If not, shouldn't you get a chance to give it a whirl? And if so . . . well, then, maybe they're right. Do you really need to ride that ride again, or is it time to move on to something new?

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Aquarians aren't especially acquisitive creatures, so it's difficult for you to get into the often quite materialistic holiday mindset of your fellow humans. I'm sure you breathed a sigh of relief this week that the gift-giving season is mostly over. Unfortunately, it's not, exactly. Your happiness, this upcoming year, is largely predicated upon how generous you are. The more you give, the happier—and yes, probably, poorer—you'll be. Being self-centered is no crime—especially when you're as fascinating as you are—but it's kind of a well-researched topic by now. Being so selfless, however, is sort of a new thing, which'll be a lot more satisfying (and fascinating) once you get the hang of it, anyway.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

You're fucking psychic, so guessing what's going on inside other people—even when they're crap at expressing it—is no sweat. Thus it may be difficult for you to wrap your head around just how mystifyingly unpredictable and exasperatingly incomprehensible you and your (admittedly obscure) motivations can be for others. Expressing your frustration when they're clueless, however, isn't necessarily the best (or most endearing) way to encourage intimacy, nor is the ever-so-slightly unreasonable demand that those around you become as psychic as you are. A few gentle lessons— "Understanding How I Work for Dummies"—are definitely in order.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You suck at waiting. That's why this week may seem unbearable, especially because most of the things you're waiting for won't give you any indication of when they'll actually happen. Limbo's a frustrating place for you Rams, who prefer solid, bright, easy-to-understand situations, not this endless expanse of grey areas. However, there's nothing you can do about it, at the moment—and freaking out or losing your temper will only make the boundaries of this land of fog and uncertainty recede further, stranding you more completely. Chill out, darling. Relax. Bring a book. It's going to be a while.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Choose your New Year's resolutions carefully this year. The combination of both your ruling planet (Venus) and the New Moon doing a slow dance through the steadfast and determined sign of Capricorn on New Year's Day means even your most casual intentions could stick around long-term, whether you actually want them to or not. Starting the year off on the right foot isn't absolutely essential to having a good year—but it would make it a hell of a lot easier. Decide ahead of time how you want to be and to live this year. Then don't bother with a gradual ramp-up to your new chapter. Just start living it.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You hate the feeling of missing out on something. Whether it's a new trend, a special moment, or a fantastic party, you want to be involved. Unfortunately, there's too much going on this week for you to be part of even a small fraction of what you wish you could. Time to pick and choose. Resist the temptation to do more than is realistic or reasonable. Pursuing that urge would be disastrous: Instead of having three fantastic experiences (and a couple average ones), you'd get a dozen nearly pointless half-experiences, virtually eclipsed by the stressful (and thus more vivid) transitions between them. Stick with the best handful and let the rest go, would you?

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

New Year's resolutions will stick like wet snow on frozen ground this year. Give them a pat and a push and they'll snowball almost effortlessly. Capricornian stick-to-it-iveness added to the new moon (the best phase during which to begin new projects, change direction, alter habits, and so on) makes it much more likely that any sincere effort to transform your life will not only succeed, but stay in its new shape, instead of snapping back to its old familiar form as soon as you're not paying attention. Don't waste this chance to get things moving in new directions, even if you're uncertain about where to go. Head somewhere. Even if it's ultimately the "wrong" way, you'll be better off; it's a hell of a lot easier to change course with momentum than it is when you're simply stuck.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

As pleasant as this rut's been, it's time to clamber out of it and move on to the next thing. You've had your chance to wallow for a while, and the world's been fairly patient and indulgent regarding your seeming unwillingness to move forward in any real way. But enough's enough. The slack we've all been cutting you has just about run out. Drag yourself out of the mud already. Change out of your filthy clothes, shower off all the grit of your hapless lack of motivation, and put on your walking— no, let's make it running—shoes. Make up for lost time: catch up with where you should have been by now. You can.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

I've been sleeping on a nice sturdy cardboard bed. I'm not being sarcastic. Clever design has compensated for the seeming weakness of the material, so that it actually feels more stable, sturdy, and less creaky than many wooden beds. Similarly, your cleverness and practicality can offset many of the flaws and faults of your current situation(s), making things better than you imagined, despite the less-than-ideal nature of your materials. In other words, stop hunting around for the perfect whatever-you're-looking-for (be it relationship, piece of furniture, house, etc), and just make do with what you already have. If you tweak it just right, it'll end up better than the supposedly "perfect" version ever would have been.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Out of sight, out of mind, eh? That strategy may have worked for you so far this winter, but the problem is that some of your messes won't stay swept under the rug. In fact, they're about to crawl back out from under it, and you won't be able to escape them so easily again. Don't back down or run from this shit. It'll just get worse from here. The forms your problems present themselves in this week are the simplest they'll ever be. Putting off solving them will just complicate your life. It'll never get easier than it is right now. Roll up your sleeves and get to it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

I sometimes find it difficult to give advice to you Scorps. That's because wisdom often lies in taking the middle road—so that's what I feel I ought to advise. However, I conversely admire you for so rarely choosing that safe, smart path, instead opting for a much more fascinating, exciting, and perilously extreme route. That's why I'm excited about this week's horoscope, because all my internal conflicts are resolved; the middle way is boring-ass bullshit. The crazy, twisty, risky path you'd rather pursue is totally the way to go. Don't give it another thought—just enjoy the ride.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

I'm thrilled about my new apartment—mostly because it has a balcony. This does, of course, do me almost no good in the dead of winter. My excitement, therefore, has to do with the anticipation of future good times out there, not with anything that's actually going on now. Sound familiar? You, too, have pinned most of your current well-being on something that may or may not happen later. Fine—to a certain extent. Go ahead and gleefully anticipate your future fun. But make an effort to stop missing out on all the good shit that's actually happening now, just because it doesn't fit into this (theoretical) box of pleasure you've imagined for yourself.

 
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