Dry Spells and Dumping With Dignity

Do women ever go through dry spells? I am a man, and it sucks. Especially since I am good-looking, well groomed, and have a career. I always think that it must be so much easier for women to get laid whenever they want.

Anton

If this column came with sound effects, you'd hear a big loud "pfffffft," followed by an even louder "HA!"

Hell to the yeah, we ladies go through dry spells! You're talking to someone who once went two whole years without another person's tongue in her mouth, hand on her boobie, or cock in her coochie.

I recently read through my journal from this time period—10 years back—and oh, what a sad and embarrassing journey it was. Every other page reveals a new unrequited crush, and, oddly enough, today I cannot recall even one of these once-so-important and soul-crushing faces.

When I wasn't moaning on about how much I loved (loved!) Tom, Dick, or Harry, I was gassing on about how unloveable I must be. Small wonder nobody wanted to put it to me.

When I finally emerged from that drought via a one-night stand with a scandalously younger man, it was like a new day. Turns out that in that respect, you are correct; we ladies can have sex with a different stranger pretty much any night we choose . . . however, there are several rather sobering caveats that go along with this power:

• It's been my experience that there is usually a lot of liquor involved with the one-night stand. As the owner of a penis, I think you probably realize the penile pitfalls that can result.

• Even if his bits are working, the female orgasm can be an elusive beast, which means while we might be easily able to convince you to come home with us, there's a good chance we won't be howling your name or clawing at the walls when we get down to it.

• Men are generally stronger than we are. So picking up a stranger—no matter how dashing he might be—always contains an element of danger.

• Then there's the freak factor. I'm thinking specifically of the guy who insisted on playing a tape of his own band during the act and who then refused to leave the next morning.

So you see, while our odds may be good, the goods can be quite odd.

I have been dating a lovely young lady for several weeks now—just long enough to realize that while I do like her, I just don't like her enough.

So now, I want to do The Right Thing, except I'm not sure what that is. I'm sure it involves me telling her, but I don't want to be callous about it, and I don't want to endure any unnecessary abuse, either. The times in the past when I have come right out and said "This isn't working," it hasn't been received all that well. In fact, I still have a scar.

I should point out that recently I met someone else and thought it was all going swimmingly. And then . . . nothing. She disappeared. So I know what it's like to be on the receiving end, and no, it isn't great. I'd like to know what, if anything happened, but really, does it matter? She obviously doesn't want to see me. Maybe she met someone else. Doesn't make much difference—the result is the same.

If you have any advice as to a decent way to handle telling someone that, though wonderful, they just don't put the wind in my sails, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise, I'm likely to just disappear, or try that "It isn't you, it's me" crap that no one believes.

Not a Mean Guy

Disappearing acts and wussy bullshit lines are for lily-livered cowards who have no business dating. That said, there's no easy way to dump someone. It's scary. I agree. But you just have to suck it up and spit it out. Tell her that while you like her a great deal, you're looking to fall in love and that as much as you'd like it to, it's simply not going to happen with her. Then apologize sincerely and humbly, wish her well, and walk away.

Do not be a coward. Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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