I have been dating a great-looking girl—smart, funny, talks good, looks good; but she's afraid of a wet kiss, much less the trouser worm. She claims she wants love and intimacy, but it appears to be of a curious, clinical mind-contact variety, while I'm looking for some honest heat. I've made my moves with zippo response.
I have talked to her about this, but always reach a near-tearful point where any half-sensitive male realizes he is in terra incognita and ought not go any further.
We are not thirtysomethings, and so I realize there might be some medical reason for her low body temperature. If there is, she refuses to share. If this woman is truly frigid, why go to all the effort to look so good and make loose sex talk and make public shows of affection while privately avoiding any potential situation where she might be physically vulnerable? She doesn't want me to leave but will not get off it. What gives?
Baby, It's Cold Outside
I dated a guy who had a lot in common with your lady friend. He'd paw me in public, only to shun me in private. Like her, he'd do anything to avoid discussing his problem. Finally he told me that not only did female genitalia repulse him, my body made him physically ill because I was "too fat." (As Kate Moss was his ideal woman, I'd have to concede that I—much like most of the eating public—was indeed far fatter than she.)
Like your girl, this guy had issues better handled by a professional.
You've tried talking to her, but she's unwilling. There's really nothing more you can do but bid her farewell. Though it's tempting to try to get to the bottom of why she's not giving up the booty, it is ultimately a waste of time. At this time of year, you should be concentrating on snowballs, not blue balls.
I've been dating a guy for almost a year. At first he was attentive and loving, and the sex was frequent and great. But lately, everything has changed. He never wants to talk about anything; he just wants to sit and veg on the couch. The sex is down to once a week, and that's only because I initiate it. I'm sure if I left it up to him, we'd be doing it more like once a month.
What the hell happened? I'm still attractive and young, and when I go out with the girls, I don't have any problems getting male attention. So I'm not sure what's going on.
I love him and want to work things out, but I'm not sure how to do that, especially in my sexually frustrated state.
Sexless in Seattle
Isn't anybody getting laid around here? Hell, I haven't had sex in well over a week now, too! I thought the cold weather made everyone all cozy and horny. Apparently just me and these two readers!
Though some will disagree, it's been my experience that men are far hornier when they're single. I don't care if you're, ahem, Kate Moss; boyfriend wakes up looking at you a few months in a row, and he starts to slow down. And in one of life's cruel little ironies, women want it more when they're in a relationship.
If you think there is a possibility that he's passive-aggressively telling you he's not interested in you in that way anymore, ask him. Once you've ascertained that's not the case, don't keep pushing it. Unlike women, men don't respond well to constant discussion (bless their hairy souls!).
There are several things you could try to heat things up. One is to be less available. Yes, this is technically game playing, but remember how much more attentive he was when you weren't around as much? Another corny, but effective, method is underpant investment. A lot of us ladies in LTRs get a little sloppy. (If you could see what I was wearing as I write this, you'd agree.) So go buy some ridiculously slutty undergarment and let him "accidentally" catch a glimpse of it. Hopefully, as you're on your way out for a night with the girls.
And hey, if that doesn't work, I'll fix you up with the guy who wrote the first letter.
Horny for the holidays? Write Dategirl at email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.