Yours, Mine & Ours

SAM EMERSON

Russo, Quaid, and clan.

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More About

• Dennis Quaid
• Rene Russo
• U.S. Navy
• Parenting

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SWM, mid-40s, seeks SWF of similar age for domestic bliss, spontaneous make-out sessions on department-store beds, and comically exaggerated child-rearing high jinks. A little about me: I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy, so I appreciate order. UB a free spirit and, if possible, a Rene Russo lookalike, preferably into bat shit New Age parenting techniques, with artfully sloppy living habits that I'll see as a charming contrast to my militaristic mind-set and borderline OCD. Oh, and did I mention I have eight kids? My first wife—may she rest in peace—was just a baby-making machine. Each of my children is a precious gift, even though I can't always keep their names straight (did we have to give them all such generic names? Michael? Christina? William?). If you have a bunch of kids, too—well, so much the better!

SWF, mid-40s, seeks SWM of similar age—ideally a ringer for Dennis Quaid—for companionship, marital sex, and squabbles incited by our kids, who have schemed to break us up (in a sort of reverse Parent Trap scenario) because they're unwilling to even try living together. I'm a total hippie (no spanking, a "talking stick" for family discussions—the works), yet I'm also a designer who somehow manages to retain Saks Fifth Avenue as a client despite the ridiculously messy state my studio is always in. My children are . . . well, I'd better get this out in the open. There are 10 of them—four from my first marriage (I'm a widow), six adopted—and they can be a little unruly. Unruly? What am I saying? My home is like a zoo. A big, tastefully appointed human zoo. I know the chances of finding a man who's willing to help me raise them are pretty slim, but I have this abiding, unrealistic hope that somewhere, the right man is waiting for me. P.S. I should also mention that we have a pet pig. And the kids occasionally paint him blue. (PG)