I'm writing you out of concern for a girlfriend of mine. I'm just going to call her Jane.
Jane didn't start seriously dating until her mid-20s. For one reason or another, she was a late bloomer. She has had one serious relationship (if two months is serious) that really knocked her on her a**. She didn't date for over a year after that. She got really down—totally oblivious as to why it happened and what exactly went astray. He pretty much used her for one thing.
So, being the friend who is always there to listen and console, I'm now getting really frustrated with her actions. She is back on the dating scene with vigor. She actually was dating two guys at once for about two months, when it finally blew up in her face (like some other friends and I had predicted). It wasn't because the guys found out about each other—she openly told both of them at the very, very beginning that she was dating more than just them . . . ack!! It was because she started to have stronger feelings for one guy and told him she wanted to just date him. Now, I have my own (and I think correct) theory that he didn't want to jump into anything more serious because she was now defined as a booty call and he liked having his cake and eating it, too. So, of course, when she poses this question (er, ultimatum), he breaks up with her. The other relationship fell apart soon after when she was convinced by friends to break it off because she was using him.
OK. So, now she is dating again. Just recently she tells Guy A that she likes him but won't date him seriously because he has a kid and also because she doesn't want anything serious, when I think she really does. She still sleeps with him on the first date and makes him dinner on the second.
How do I tell my friend that she is coming off as easy and needs to stop jumping into bed with the guy on the first date? She's making the same mistakes over and over, and none of her friends know what to do, since the advice we're giving isn't being used. We are considering an intervention. Any thoughts?
Frantic, Frustrated Friend
I think that if you consider banging someone on a first date an intervention-worthy offense, consider me intervened! Seriously, you guys need to get out more. Maybe if this lady were shooting crystal meth, robbing 7-Elevens, and pimping out her toddler, it'd be time to alert A&E and their band of counselors (Intervention being one of my all-time favorite TV shows). But this girl is merely being vaguely slutty and making a few tactical errors along the way. Big deal. (Oh, and it's OK to spell out "A-S-S" here—we're an ass-friendly venue.)
The thing is, people are going to do stupid shit, and there's not much you can do to stop them. As someone who's pulled her share (and several other peep's shares as well) of idiotic dating stunts, I had to learn by doing and getting my heart broken repeatedly.
And really, what's wrong with using a guy for sex? It sounds as though she'd alerted him to the situation and he was OK with it. Nor is there anything wrong with telling the men you're dating that you're also seeing other fellas. I would think that most guys would appreciate the honesty. You guys sure are some hands-on friends.
I once had an alleged friend who could spend hours listing my various faults and would get infuriated with me any time I did anything she disapproved of. After a while, her nonstop hypercritical (and eventually hypocritical) carping left me no choice but to excise her from my life.
Though it sounds like you and your yentas have the best of intentions, you sound like a posse of rather judgmental and disapproving shrews (not unlike my ex-friend). Perhaps you should quit looking down on her and figure out ways to be supportive. Your pal waited a long time to start dating and probably figures she has some lost time to make up for. If she's not listening to your advice, quit giving it. You're probably just annoying her anyway.
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