My latest boyfriend dumped me because, in his words, "I really like you, I'm just not falling in love with you. I want to fall head over heels in love." I was upset, of course, because not only did this come out of nowhere, but it was delivered over the phone. We were supposed to go out that night, and I called to see where he wanted to meet. "I don't think I can date you anymore" were the first words out of his mouth. I thought he was joking. I mean, what fairy tales has he been reading?
He was physically demonstrative and introduced me to many of his close friends right away—which I took as a good sign. I started to feel comfortable with him almost immediately, and, against my better judgment, started to fall for him. (In hindsight, I guess I should've asked him what he was hoping to get out of this relationship.) It was fun being that disgusting couple who kiss openly and hold hands at every possible opportunity. We made googly eyes at each other and had conversations where we finished each other's sentences. Awwww, icky.
I did make sure to have a conversation about my needs, namely my need to maintain some personal space and alone time. I want to spend time with someone who makes me feel dizzy and in love, but I need time to develop myself and think things through. He responded by only calling me a few times a week and scheduling dates two or three nights a week. I thought he was being respectful, but I guess all that alone time made him cool off too much.
He claims that he never dated anyone else during our brief, two-month relationship. I haven't decided whether to believe that or not. I guess it would be easier to believe he was than to believe that he basically sees me as unlovable. I thought we were having fun and taking it slow, but apparently he was just biding his time.
I feel like an idiot for not seeing this coming. I could sense that something was different, but I thought it was in a good way. Or at least I'd hoped it was.
The pieces of this puzzle aren't fitting together. Can you shed some light?
Not a Stupid Girl
Sweetcheeks, smart people get dumped all the time. What you're doing is natural (for us ladies). You're dissecting this breakup to death, trying to find some deficiency within yourself that caused it, second-guessing everything you ever said to him. Stop. Now.
When a guy gets dumped, he gets angry. He may claim the chick who done him wrong is a lesbian. He'll drink heavily for an extended period of time. What he won't do is wonder if things would've been different if only he hadn't worn that blue blouse that was slightly see-through when he met your mother.
Getting shown the curb, seemingly out of the blue, is jarring. It shakes your confidence and can break your heart. But like I've said before, nowhere is it written that breaking up has to be a mutual decision. Yes, it's strange that you could think something is going so right, while obviously in his head, it was going so wrong, but it's been known to happen.
The times it's happened to me, I've made a giant ass of myself, calling said men and explaining to them in elevating tones of hysteria, how wrong they were to think I wasn't right for them. (In doing so, actually showing them how right they were to flee.) Hopefully you're not doing that. Being heartbroken is bad enough, without adding humiliated to the list.
One thing you should take away from this relationship is the knowledge that men who come on strong in the beginning generally lack follow-through. They are addicted to the rush that comes at the start of any good relationship. They live for the googly eyes (gross!), the private jokes (barf!), and nonstop fuckathon (OK, that part's cool) that are essential to the first months of any good relationship. Once that ebbs a bit—as it always does—they're onto the next high. I mean girl.
Follow through. Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.