Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
It's supposed to be good luck to fold 1,000 origami cranes in a year. I'm giving it a try. Someone gave me a stack of fancy paper, and whenever I have a minute, I fold it into a crane. It's very meditative, actually, and it occurred to me that this kind of activity might suit you because of its low time commitment (it only takes a minute). Like I said last week, you need to generate bits of downtime. Since finding or making a spare half-hour on a regular basis is beyond you, I thought I'd suggest something like this that you can squeeze into all the chinks in your schedule. I'm not kidding about this. If you don't find some way to truly chill out during the gaps in your routine, it'll be all gaps before you know it.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Last night I went to one of those huge drug-culture parties in a massive warehouse. They were blasting bone-vibrating minimalist techno that only robots and people out of their minds on speed can appreciate. Needless to say, I was a bit bored. But I didn't get all bitter and down like you did the last time you found yourself someplace that just wasn't your scene. Maybe I'm being a bit hard on you, but only because as you get older, you're becoming so conservative, sticking steadfastly to the tried-and-true. To stay vital and truly alive, you've got to keep exploring new places and situations, which means—yes—you'll be bored or annoyed sometimes. Luckily, you're liable to occasionally be delighted and excited, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
There are at least 73 good reasons why you shouldn't smoke, drink, or otherwise fuck yourself over, but you're not likely to heed them. Scorpios have a built-in self-destruct that no one can override; the only one who can convince you to turn your shit around before you drive full speed off a cliff is you. There's good news to go along with all this depressing crap, though: You're more likely to be able to quit your bad habit cold turkey and never look back than any other sign. Guess what else? This week's the best week to do just that; you won't get a better chance until sometime next year.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
You don't respond well to authority figures, unless they're backing you up. When they tell you not to do something you really want to do, your usual response is a hearty laugh and a "Go fuck yourself," then it's all on. Hey, rebellion turns me on. In this case, however, more than one of your friends have independently approached you with the same emphatic suggestion. Maybe it's best if you listen. This isn't just your ass on the line; you're risking a pair of friendships as well. These guys are just not going to be around to help you nurse wounds you acquired by ignoring their advice. How much would your life suck then?
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Here's the kind of situation you can expect this week: You're about to enter some big meeting or pick up a hot date when you notice your deodorant just kicked out. On the one hand, it's just BO. But on the other, these stupid details matter sometimes. Don't spend the entire time freaking, when one little thing (for example, 10 seconds with a stick of deodorant) could change your whole outlook and experience. It might be slightly embarrassing to ask to borrow someone's deodorant, but so what? Just do it anyway. It's far less stress in the long run.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Someday, they may be able to manufacture tiny robot mites that can crawl right into our brains and broadcast what we think to the whole world. While it might be interesting to have your dreams available for daytime playback, I doubt most of us could sanely withstand such a fundamental violation of our inner sanctums. You Aquarians, who bristle when someone is too curious about your feelings, might especially have trouble. Hopefully, the day when our brains are invaded by nanobots is still far off. However, you should prepare for some lesser invasions of your privacy this week, because they're unavoidable. Just remember: It could be worse.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
You don't go nuts during the full moon like some other signs. Fuck, it's not like you need an excuse to go crazy. You're half-mad at the best of times, and that's just fine. But when the full moon does come rolling into your sign this week, you're more likely to get more out of your particular brand of insanity than usual. Whether that translates to intuitive insights with practical applications, telepathic sex with your lover, or a flash of inspiration that leads to some brilliant new invention that finally makes you your million, I can't say, exactly. But I'm willing to bet you'll enjoy it.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Equality is overrated, according to you Rams. I'm not talking civil rights here—you're usually up for a level playing field. But beyond that, it's all on. You play the cards you're dealt. That means some people are smarter or faster or prettier or healthier or just plain better than other people. You don't give a shit about bullshit political correctness. Let people be offended by the fact that life's not necessarily fair. Resist other people's lameass strategies to reduce the amount of competitiveness in your life. They don't want to compete because they can't win. Tough shit. If they don't like the way the game is played, they don't get to change the game. All they get to do is not play.
