Despite some red flags (he has kids; though handsome, he wasn't physically my type), I decided to go out with a guy I met online. After going out about six times (no sex), I decided to invite him to join me and some friends for a three-night party over Labor Day weekend.
I was a little nervous that he would be expecting something (sex!), so I tried to make it clear that I was just hoping to get to know him a little better and was not ready for all of the physical stuff yet. Oh, crap—who am I kidding? I was not that attracted to him! He was new and different and had all kinds of amazing experiences to share, but he was not for me in the larger sense.
I think by the time I realized this it was too late, because he was already packed and ready to go. So I did what any nice gal would do . . . I stuck with the plan and tried to make the best of it, while keeping a continuous buzz on.
Let me preface this by saying that I am a social smoker, but this guy smoked over seven packs of cigarettes in three days! In addition, he told stories of his travels and the dysentery he had picked up in one of the Third World countries he last visited—referring to it as uncontrollable crapping! He announced to all assembled that he'd had a vasectomy right after I mentioned wanting kids someday!
Here is the kicker: Sunday morning he rolls over, looks me straight in the eye, and tells me that he loves me! I try to pretend like I sleep with my eyes open, and he says it again. Frozen, I try desperately to keep the vomit from rising up in my throat, and he says it again, to which I respond, "Shut the hell up! You do not even know me!"
I spent the next day ignoring him, and he spent it oblivious, still trying to rub my leg, kiss me, etc.
I swear I did nothing to lead him on; reading body language is just not this man's forte! Now that we have returned home, he is still trying to contact me. What is the etiquette for dumping someone you never knew you were going out with?
First things first—did someone beat you bloody with the stupid stick? You do not, under any circumstances, invite a potential paramour whom you've yet to poke along on a three-day party! So don't be picking him apart for his various faults; you've got no one to blame but yourself!
And speaking of those alleged deficiencies, if you actually liked him, you wouldn't care how much he smoked. (Except for being concerned about the obvious health risks involved.) I'm not offended by poop stories and suspect you wouldn't have been either, if someone else were telling them. So lay off.
Despite what you may think, you did not act like a nice girl. A nice girl would've pulled the plug on the whole adventure as soon as she realized she had no intention of sleeping with the guy. Wouldn't you rather stay home than be subjected to a long weekend with a mean drunk man who flinches every time you touch him?
And yes, you did lead him on. Are you kidding? If some guy I'd been dating invited me along for a holiday weekend, I don't think I'd be too off the mark in thinking he had the hots for me. Do you?
I admit Mr. Man sounds a tad thick, but when was the last time anyone accused men of being remotely perceptive? The male gender's lack of psychic ability is well documented, yet women still persist on getting mad at them over it! The ole "you should've known what to get me for my birthday"–type scenario springs to mind. Men aren't like us—if you want to make something clear, you have to tell them.
So it's time for you to step up to the plate, pick up the phone, and tell him you're not interested in continuing any sort of relationship with him. Be kind about it (meaning resist the temptation to recite a list of his shortcomings) and be brief.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.