I am a four-year veteran of online dating. I have gotten hits from dozens of guys, ranging in age from jailbait to 70. I've dated some of them, and I've fallen hard for a couple.
Anyway, here's the deal: Lately I've gotten a couple of e-mails from men berating me for the importance I place on physical attraction. I spell it out clearly in my profile, because if I don't want to see them naked somewhere along the line, I'm not even going to date them. Seems like a waste of everyone's time. I've tried dating men who don't excite me physically, in case there was a chance, but it just doesn't work for me.
The last e-mail went something like this: "Damn, I was really interested until I saw the importance you place on physical attraction. Too bad; you're missing out on a nice guy, because you are getting up there in age and there are no 60-year-old hotties." (I'm a very young-looking 50.)
Judy, who the fuck decided it was unacceptable for women to choose men based on looks? I know the guys who see my ad are responding to my picture, and I can tell that some of them haven't even read the profile. The thing that bugs me the most is that no one even talks about the part physical attraction plays in a woman's choice of who she dates. Women say they want a sweet, sensitive, compassionate guy, but I have to believe that if that sweet, sensitive guy is way out of shape and has a face like the dog's dinner, he's going to have a much harder time getting a date.
I know that physical attraction is a subjective thing; one woman's prince is another's frog. I'd love your input on this, and I'd also be interested to know if there are other women out there who feel like I do about this.
Poor DeeDee, didn't you get the memo? We ladies are only supposed to be interested in finding a fella with a kind personality and a winning sense of humor. . . . Snort. The whole idea that women are somehow "above" wanting a hot piece of ass is bullshit and just goes to perpetuate that dreary Madonna/whore nonsense. Good girls want a nice guy, bad girls want a hot one. Please. Who says hot and nice can't co-exist in the same smokin' bod?
The funny thing is, like you say, most of the men who answered my personal ad hadn't even bothered to actually read anything I'd written—they'd just responded to the cleavage! (And we're only talking a B-cup here.) And these are the same guys criticizing you for admitting a need for visual stimuli!
For example, I am (and my ad made this clear) adamantly antibaby, yet fathers of three, looking to spread more of their gene pool, would routinely write me, assuring me how much we had in common. Oh, really? What's that? That we both live on Earth?
At first I'd write the unsuitable suitors back, politely declining their request. Boy, was that a mistake! After one or two sneering replies like the ones you describe, I just deleted anyone I wasn't interested in.
In your admirers' defense, I will cop to feeling a certain amount of pique when, in scanning some otherwise "perfect" guy's ad, I saw he was only willing to go out with women of a specific ethnicity or hair color or that he had unrealistic body expectations (5-foot-10 or taller, up to 120 pounds!). The difference between the sexes is that I would never write these guys telling them how they're really missing out on a good thing because they're adverse to a little junk in the McTrunk. The fact is, a guy whose dream date is a Nordic supermodel isn't going to want to go out with me, and I'd rather know that from jump than experience the humiliating face-droop of disappointment when we finally meet up. (Um, not that anyone's ever pulled that on me.) (OK, maybe once or twice.)
Women are in a weird spot in all this. Society expects that a woman's desires are less base than a man's, but really, we're just as piggy as the guys. Oink.
Prefer princes or frogs? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.