I consider myself to be an attractive, sexy, easygoing gal and a good catch. I have been totally single for too long. I will assume that you understand what I am saying. Well, recently a tasty morsel was dangled in front of me, and I chased him down. Yes, by now I was frickin' exasperated and the sense of urgency was out of my control, and the poor guy was taken aback by my Massive Amore Attack. I was so sure that he would be as relieved to have me as I was to have him, so when he dumped me last Saturday evening, I was psychologically fried. He said he wasn't "on cloud nine." My friends say it is because I was too easy to get. (By the way, this dumping happened right after I saw Matt Cameron, who was going to play a surprise concert with Pearl Jam just inside Easy Street Records, where I catch my bus! A show I didn't stop to see because I was in a hurry to see this hot guy and have him dump me. Man, am I a lame-ass. Insert expletive here ____! I missed Stone Gossard!!!!!)
Anyway, could you please deliver counsel on how to cool my jets with the next gentleman, so that I don't prevent him from reaching "cloud nine." I look scary and can be a bit much in the sack, but I am a good girl at heart! I'm just kind of wanting some affection in a big way right now. AHHHH! It's spring, damn it, give me a break! I am not good at dating around or rapid serial monogamy, either. I am 41 but look 30, if that. Twenty-seven-year-olds are all over the place, but I can't do that either!
I'll say you're sprung! First, I want you to take a nice cleansing breath. In through the nose, draw it deep into your belly, and now out through the mouth. See, I retained something from my fleeting yoga moment. You, my friend, have to calm the fuck down.
I've been where you are, and it ain't pretty. It's one thing to be sexily assertive; it's quite another to be the leg-humping doggie. It sounds like you're leaning heavily toward Fido territory. That said, it also sounds like your man was a bit of an ass. He dumped you because he wasn't "on cloud nine"? No shit. Did he really say that? I hope he's reading this and is deeply embarrassed, because that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Never mind. Clichéd as it may sound, you're better off without him, and it sounds like you're reacting correctly and looking toward the future.
The first thing you must do (and I realize I've recommended this in past columns, but I feel it's imperative) is, if you don't already have one or more, buy yourself a vibrator. Masturbate often. You should also rethink both the 27-year-olds and your ineptitude at "dating around." Like riding a bike, being a successful dater is something that must be learned.
Part of being a successful dater is to date well, but more importantly, date often. You can claim to be lame at this, but that's just laziness. If you have a constant stream of distractions in pants, you're far less likely to get hung up on one unworthy jackass. Plus, having more than one suitor gives a gal an air of confidence that will make you even more appealing. It'll also go a long way toward reassuring you that you don't have to jump on the first guy who says hello to you at the bus stop (i.e., it'll eliminate that air of desperation your friends say is so evident).
And as for dating youngsters—why not? If you can snag a 27-year-old, you snag (and shag) him! Young men have less baggage and more stamina, and they look so fucking good naked. I don't care how young you appear, you aren't going to be able to score youthful hotties forever—ticktock! Take advantage while they're willing. So you'll probably have to learn to drink domestic beer and play video games. Small price to pay for a nice young boy slice. Mrow!
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