I've been seeing a young woman for approaching two months now, and surprise, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I'm not exactly sure what our status is. We've done the romantic outings and passionate lip locking, but she dropped the "I want to take it slow" card, which has always seemed to me to mean, "I'm not really interested in a meaningful relationship." Now I'm fine with no sex in any immediate fashion, but at some point it's an imperative dynamic in an adult relationship. What, in your worthy opinion, would be the best way of asking her how she sees the relationship and whether it's worth it for me to keep pursuing, without being a grilling jackass?
Dating in Relative Dark
I've got news for you, son—two months and you haven't slept together yet? You're already proceeding at a snail's pace. Any slower and you'll be moving backward. Really. Two months? I've heard tales of people waiting an entire three dates before gittin' down, but 60 days—that's just nutty. I think you are well within your rights to sit her down and in no uncertain terms tell her all the many filthy things you'd like to do to her and her naked bod. Perhaps you want to be a little more delicate (or not), but by anyone's standards, you are well within your rights to inquire as to how exactly she defines "taking it slow."
I wouldn't frame your talk by wondering aloud if "it's worth it," because that'll just serve to make her cranky. Instead, tell her you like her, you're very attracted to her, and you would like to move things on to the next (i.e., naked) level. If she's not interested in knocking boots, better you find out now than after you've been dicked around for a couple more months.
I have been told I am cute and smart, and every woman I have taken out has said they love the way I treat them (I listen). My bad part is that I am always looking for the next adventure. Now I don't mean the next woman, but the next place to go or the next experience I have never had. So as much as I enjoy each place that I am, I am also always moving on.
Now to my problem. I have twice found a woman who is truly everything I could hope for, but they were both insistent on being friends because I was only available to them for a limited time. I personally feel that I was "short-changed," because I was told by one woman that she loved me. And the other woman told me that I had made her feel like no other man had ever made her feel.
Here is where I am lost. Am I being selfish because these two women said they wanted me but wouldn't be with me? Or were they not able to deal with me for who I am? Finally, how do I prevent this from happening a third time?
Lost (on Both Coasts)
You, my friend, are strictly fling material. Here one day, gone the next—what kind of nitwit is going to willingly allow herself to get all emotionally tangled up with someone who's leaving town in two weeks? The fact is, you found two very smart, practical women who were clever enough to identify and avoid a no-win situation.
There are several ways you can approach this problem in the future. Tell the next wonderful woman you meet that she's changed your ramblin' ass and you're finally ready to settle down. Then, when the urge hits you, sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and split town. Sure, karmically speaking, this is a terrible idea, but it is one solution.
Or you could try finding a woman as rootless and thrill-seeking as yourself. They're out there. They are usually very young and—much like yourself—have read a lot of Kerouac. Still another option would be to keep moving and quit being annoyed by people who aren't interested in your lifestyle. Some women rule out smokers. Others rule out transients—deal.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.