It's been just over a year since I last sat down with the Lord and his son for a cozy chat about The Passion of the Christ. With the film now in rerelease, and the heavenly hosts still making headlines, I thought it was high time to get an update on their attitudes toward Mel, marriage, and manifest destiny.
Seattle Weekly: Any further thoughts about Mel Gibson, who has just released a re-edited version of his film that he's calling The Passion Recut? In print ads, he says, "By softening some of its more wrenching aspects, I hope to make my film and its message of love available to a wider audience."
Jesus: Wider than what? The guy can buy a small Middle Eastern country with what he's already made off that thing. Try cutting some of the excess off Braveheart and maybe we'll talk.
God: Always a joke with this one.
But are you two happy about the movie's incredible popularity? It grossed something like $400 million.
God: It grossed me out, is what it did. Leave something to the imagination, already. If I wanted Psycho, I'd watch Psycho.
Jesus: It wasn't really an event I personally cared to revisit in such detail. But, hey, if it got someone to read the Book . . .
How did you feel about it not winning any Oscars?
Jesus (slapping his forehead): Oh, God, did we miss the Oscars again?
God: Christ, I guess we did.
Well, certain conservatives, like Michael Medved, saw its lack of nominations as a major snub.
God: Please—Michael Medved?!
Jesus: Don't get him started. . . .
God: That verkakte film critic who wants more real Christians in movies?
Jesus: Dad . . .
God: The man should worry about more real Christians in churches, if you ask me.
Jesus: I told you he'd get like this.
God: What? Suddenly I'm not allowed an opinion?
Are either of you taking an official stand against gay marriage?
God: Who's taking a stand? I'd be happy if I could just get that Lopez girl to settle down with one fella.
God: Son, please.
President Bush is constantly invoking you as the inspiration behind all his actions—
Jesus: Yeah, well, all I know is, we didn't hear too much from Junior back in his fraternity days.
God: The man was a trifle idle in his younger years, yes. But who could compete with this punim? [He squeezes his son's face affectionately.]
Jesus: God, you're embarrassing.
Do you think the United States has a divine mission in the world?
Jesus: Canceling Becker was a good start.
God: Here we go. The kid thinks he's a regular Shecky Greene.
Jesus: Your age is showing, Dad.
God: So sue me, you little delinquent.
Any advice for the rest of us before we part?
Jesus: Plastics. [He bursts out laughing.]
God: I never understand his humor. Head in the clouds.