Slut No More!

I am a slut in remission. I am sure that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am a middle-aged, single mother of preadolescents, but then, lately I have admitted a hard truth to myself: When I have sex, it generates expectations— I want some sort of loose commitment and monogamy.

Historically, I have had sex first and tried to figure out the relationship later. I am at a point where that won't work for me.

So, here are my questions: Let's say that I do meet someone that I'd like to get naked with (and boy, are they fewer and farther between). When and how do I have that conversation? I mean, usually I know pretty early (by date three or so) if I want his hand in my pants, but it hardly seems fair (or possible/practical) to initiate a conversation about expectations at that point. And, assuming that we could get past that conversation, when/how would I determine that it is OK to do it? And, do you think that you would just be able to "know" (or could get past it), if the sex wasn't so great once you did get to that point? Because theoretically, you'd be pretty well connected by then. I'd like to believe that you'd be able to tell from kissing, passing touches, "petting," etc., whether you'd be compatible in the beyond, but not all of my friends agree. . . . Your thoughts?

Recovering Slut

It sounds like you're looking for some kind of formula that'll keep you from ever getting hurt again. Fat chance. If I had that recipe, I'd be a gazillionaire with my very own talk show. And I sure as hell wouldn't have wasted so many years with unworthy jackasses. Romance is a crapshoot, and there's no sure way to come out a winner short of getting very lucky.

If it's any help, it's been my experience that good kissers are rarely rotten lays, while a shitty kisser is almost inevitably an atrocity in the sack. If he's all tight-lipped and doesn't use tongue, that generally means he's prim and uptight between the sheets, and you can be certain he'll never kiss your cooter. If he's the kind of sloppy kisser who leaves you with a faceful of saliva, he's more than likely going to be a messy, all-over-the-place kinda luv-uh man. Which is better than the stick-up-his-ass guy, but only marginally.

All of which gets me thinking it wouldn't be the worst idea to get to know someone and lock lips a few times before you do the deed.* But even then, there are no guarantees, so if your test drive goes sour, bail. (Though if he's particularly charming, you might want to give him a second spin to make sure he wasn't just suffering from jitters the first time.)

There's nothing wrong with having a vague expectation of fidelity and commitment from the person you're fucking. I know how skittish men can be about "talks," but you could phrase what you're looking for in a nonthreatening manner so he doesn't get all freaked out and crap his pants or burst into tears. You could try telling him that if he's looking for a one-night stand, that's fine—no hard feelings—but that's not where you're at. Make sure he knows you're not some ring-hungry leghumper but nor are you in the mood to play tiresome games. I find a laid-back attitude (even if you have to fake one) helps heaps in situations like this.

*Of course, for every rule there is the exception. A buddy of mine in Portland called last week to tell me about this hottie she'd been flirting and making out with for a year. (I don't know what she was waiting for, either.) So after approximately 365 days of relatively chaste foreplay, coupled with scads of scintillating innuendo, they finally moved it into the bedroom. Once nekkid, it turned out that this insanely great kisser had no idea what a clitoris was or where it might be located. Nor did he seem to much care! So now here she is, stuck in a one-year-long flirtation with a besotted boy she never ever wants to bump uglies with again. Talk about awkward!

For insanely great advice, write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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