You know, I'm happy to be up front about my slutty pop culture consumption and just can't let it get me down that nobody even considers to ask me how I feel about the situation in Iraq, the advances in AIDS medicine, or, I don't know, whether or not Shakespeare really did write all of his plays. No one mentions Halliburton around me, and I can assure you that not a soul has ever found himself beside me in the workplace urinals and sighed, "Real tragedy over there in Thailand, eh?" These concerns are left to others, while it is assumed that I'll be flipping through People, downing a Sierra Mist, and wondering if we'll ever get to see another nipple on a televised public sporting event. Such is my lot: I'm here for those not ashamed to admit they occasionally need me in some awful yet essential way, like Heather Locklear or watermelon-flavored Bubble Yum.
Recently, it's become evident that I can be of more service than ever, as people continue to surreptitiously approach me and inquire about all of the things the Pulitzer winners and nuclear physicists they must be hanging out with the rest of the time are incapable of answering. So, for anyone who requires my assistance but is too involved with their work vaccinating Third World orphans to request it, here's everything you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask:
Steve, did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sleep together? God, I hope so, don't you? If I looked like either one of them, I would sleep with either one of them, regardless of my marital status, sexual orientation, or busy work schedule, and anyone who says otherwise is a goddamn liar. And another thing: Star magazine's "body language expert" Patti Wood says that photos of Brad and Angelina together show that Jolie "wants to be with Brad in a soft and sensual way." (Wood is such an expert that she's read my body language toward Brad without even so much as a snapshot for study.)
Steve, why wasn't The Passion of the Christ nominated for a Best Picture Oscar? Because there is a God, and in his infinite wisdom he has spared us the horrific possibility of watching Mel Gibson thank him.
Steve, why did former child star Corey Feldman appear on 20/20 to discuss Michael Jackson? Corey Feldman's last movie was titled Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. Corey Feldman would appear on your uncle's public access program to discuss hog calling.
Steve, what is the worst show currently on television, and why? Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, because I don't care how many penniless Midwestern families with developmentally disabled children get new rumpus rooms, host Ty Pennington makes Richard Simmons seem like calm, pleasant company.
Steve, is Britney Spear's marriage to Kevin Federline in trouble? It is if either one of them wakes up in the morning and realizes the other person in bed will soon find "See: Feldman, Corey" after their entry in the latest edition of Whatever Happened To . . . ?
Steve, can Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson keep their marriage alive? Not if anyone gets me sufficiently drunk, reminds me of their Christmas special, and hands me two bullets and a cyanide pill.