Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
This week you might feel like you recklessly dived to the deep-end bottom of the pool without taking a properly deep breath first. Short on air, what should have been a casual game—diving for rings with the kids—has become something fraught with desperation and panicked urgency. Relax. Freaking out will only exacerbate things. How can you possibly stay calm, you ask? Because, you're actually fine. Sure, you're operating without the comfort-zone buffer that you're used to, but you can still pull off your task anyway. The only way you'll drown is if you flip out, so keep your cool and get shit done.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
Don't be holistic this week. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm always asking you to remember how interconnected everything is, but at the moment that shit will only overwhelm you. If you consider the entire mountain of tasks you've taken on, you'll just want to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Don't you dare indulge this impulse, though. Even an extra half a day between the sheets could set you so far back that you'd never recover; realizing that, you'd just spend weeks on end hiding under your pillows. Fuck the mountain. It doesn't matter. Instead, break what you've got to do into the smallest possible chunks, and tackle—only even think about tackling—one at a time.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
"My God, that's an ugly baby!" Although most folks wouldn't dream of saying this to a recent new mother's face, in the past many of them didn't hesitate to shit all over your labors of love, the metaphorical babies you created and released into the world. Having something you're really proud of get torn to bits by assholes has probably made you reluctant to share another of your secret masterpieces. This week, however, would be a good time to reveal that special bit of yourself, which is long overdue for public exposure. It probably won't be universally lauded or adored—no one could guarantee that—but it will almost certainly be respected, and you can't realistically hope for much more.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Other people suck, don't they? At least, that's what you're likely to frequently think about them this week. It's true that some of those you know could be more generous, but fixating on their stingy behavior will only make you bitter. They can't be nagged or coaxed out of their miserliness; simply trying this will probably only intensify it. Unfortunately, this isn't something you'll be able to easily ignore, though. It's not your job or duty to compensate for these scrooges by giving more time, energy, or money (you've already done your fair share), but you still might want to. It would be a nice gift, so please consider it. The world could certainly use it.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
In confrontations with literal-minded, scientific pragmatists who challenge me to try to justify or prove astrology's relevance, I say: "No, you're quite right. It's all bullshit." Then I move on. Please follow my example, Gemini. Too many people this week will invite you to throw yourself at brick walls. Astrological influences might make you perversely inclined to try it, even though you know the outcome ahead of time. Resist them. None of these walls are coming down; your bones will break first. Keep your body and ego unbruised. Politely turn down those goads and walk away.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Be careful. The person who's trying to show you off is the kind of idiot who walks around with his cat on a leash. Get away fast, Cancer. This person has a really distorted view of reality, one that couldn't possibly benefit you. And he or she is beyond your help. Don't say I didn't warn you about this one. If you persist in associating with the freak in question, you're basically volunteering to be the cat on the leash. It's not as bad as being the person who thinks that's a good idea, but it's not much better, either. Instead, please scratch their eyes out, run away, or both.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
Only Sagittarians despise the thought of being stuck in prison more than you do, Leo. Although their longing for freedom is quite different from yours (as are their escape methods), the result is the same: Neither of you can abide feeling trapped for very long. I'm not going to make a case for how great imprisonment is. However, sometimes it's imposed on you not for the protection of others but for your own safety and well-being. That's the case this week. Left to your own devices, you could really fuck shit up at the moment. If someone's sheltering you (hint—it might feel like smothering), let them. You can shrug off their care next week, when your lack of foresight won't mess up your whole life.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Most Virgos I know are at least a little embarrassed to admit their sign. As if it's disgraceful to be so efficient, energetic, dependable, and clean. That's because some lame and unscrupulous folk have gone to great lengths to shame you about your organizational skills or your fastidiousness (even that word has a negative feel to it). But that's just so they don't feel too bad about being such flaky slobs. Fuck them. They're pathetic and they know it. You're not the least bit pathetic, though. Why don't you know—deep in your bones—that?
