I'll Be Taking a Bleach Shower Now, Thanks!

I'm a 42-year-old male who has become less interested in women and more fascinated with pubescent and prepubescent girls. My primary fixation is with cute Caucasian girls in the 8–13 range. I think I've always had this predilection but believe that my psychedelic drug use over the years has helped to liberate it from my subconscious. Last year I started attending all-ages raves and "tekno" dances in the hope of mingling and socializing with pubescent girls. I'm able to blend in at these events because I look young for my age (I believe I pass for mid-20s with a little makeup) and am above average in looks.

I've also prowled fairs and carnivals and cruised the streets looking for wayward girls to befriend. Even though I'm a Christmas-hating atheist, I considered applying for Santa Claus jobs during the holiday season. I don't watch much adult TV anymore because I'm checking out the girls on Nick, Disney, etc. I don't consider myself a pedophile and believe that forcing my man-size penis into a girl-size vagina is an abusive and violent act. However, I see nothing wrong with loving, nurturing touch, like cuddling, kissing, massages, and stroking hair.

The problem is that I'm afraid it might eventually progress beyond that—into Jacko-style sleepovers, showers, full-nude body contact, cunnilingus, etc. I'm aware of how harsh the laws are regarding adults fooling around with girls this young, but the power of the attraction is difficult for me to resist.

Uncircumcised

I get a lot of fucked-up mail. I've fielded unsavory propositions from repulsive humans, read all about pretty much every kind of depravity you could possibly imagine, and even had to deal with a couple death threats. But even though I am about 90 percent positive the creep who wrote this letter was just trying to wind me up, it is the most disturbing thing I've received in a long time.

I hemmed and hawed, wondering if I should print his sick little missive. I asked my editor if I should forward it to the police, and then Uncircumcised sent me another note, castigating me for not running the first one in a timely enough fashion. I guess I'm dealing with a pedophile on a deadline.

As I'm more equipped to answer questions of the my-boyfriend-farts-in-public ilk, I called an expert.

Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin, author of a book called Conversations With a Pedophile: In the Interest of Our Children (Barricade Books), seemed like a good choice.

I asked her if she thought I should answer the letter, even though I suspected the writer was fucking with me. "You don't know if he's pulling your bell, but there may be people in your readership who are experiencing similar feelings." Oh. Comforting thought, that.

Whereas my advice would be that you get a very sharp blade, remove those pesky testicles, and then eat them with some jam on toast, Dr. Hammel-Zabin suggests finding an anonymous group situation where you can be 100 percent honest about your proclivities. Sort of like an AA for predatory scum. Because group members keep their anonymity, you don't have to worry about anyone reporting you, because they can't. They don't know who you are. She also advises that if you don't feel completely comfortable with that group, you should move on to another. Apparently, sadly, you are not alone.

Finding a therapist (which you definitely should do) who'll deal with your particular breed of nastiness is going to be tricky. "It's important to find people who are trained in working with people with inappropriate desires," the good doctor points out. So maybe talk to your fellow dirtbags in group and see if they have any recommendations.

Though your hair stroking and "nurturing touch" (gag) may seem fairly harmless (albeit repulsive), Hammel-Zabin warns, "When someone starts down this path of becoming sexually satisfied by children, what satisfies them at the beginning will cease to satisfy, and their behavior will escalate. That's why it's crucial to get intervention as early as possible." So your fears of turning into another Michael Jackson seem warranted.

Dr. Hammel-Zabin said I should commend you for your bravery in coming forward with such a disturbing confession, but I fail to see anything noble in your actions, as they were anonymous and your motivations are suspect. The doctor warns that "without help, your life is certain to become a living hell." I can only hope it already is. For help finding help, please call the Seattle Crisis Clinic at 206-461-3222.

Be brave! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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