I understand the whole "friends with the ex." Really, I do. I'm friends with a few of my ex-boyfriends and talk to them once every few months.
But between the two of them, both my boyfriend's major ex-girlfriends call him every day! Today, for example, they both called—one of them twice, and it's only 4:30 in the afternoon. I wouldn't be pissed if it were once in a while, but doesn't every day seem a little excessive? And, to top it all off, I was out of town this summer, and one of his exes stayed the weekend at his house (in his bed, but no action was reported) and he "accidentally" had sex with the other one two weeks before I got back. (I had my own infidelity about the same time he did, so I'm still pissed but can't really hold it against him.) But they both call every freaking day.
I like him. He's the first guy I've dated in years for more than three months, so I don't want to tell him to piss off. But I've also told him that these daily phone calls bother me. I try not to be a bitch, but only so often am I able to smile and ask, "So, how's so-and-so doing today?" It's pretty damned annoying. What should I do? Should I stab him? Call his mom? I try being nice, but the bottom line is, I'm not a nice person and I don't like whatever the heck is going on here. He says it's not his fault that they call and that nothing is going to come of it, but let's face it, everyone's a liar.
I showed my boyfriend your letter, and he immediately started groaning. "Oh God, you're going to write about me, aren't you?" he whined.
You see, Cranky, my boyfriend's last girlfriend just sent him this long-winded, sobby, please-forgive-me type letter. She listed all her transgressions and begged his forgiveness. (Me guesses she's climbing the 12 steps.) Her plea was irritating, but as she lives thousands of miles away, I'm not too worried.
A more local ex of his invited him to her baby shower, which he begged me to attend with him. Even though (sorry!) I'm not a fan of babies, I reluctantly agreed. Once there, I got stared at and whispered about by packs of their mutual friends, with whom I can only guess my outfit didn't pass muster. At one point his ex referred to me as "that girl," and not in a Marlo Thomas kind of way, either. But really—how worked up could I get about a woman practically bursting at the gut with some other guy's spawn?
So you see, my minor ex irritations are really nothing when compared with yours. There is no reason in the world that these broads should be calling him on a daily basis, and—more to the point—there is even less reason for him to be taking, and thereby encouraging, these calls.
You say you're not a nice person, but I think you're being a bit too nice. There is not a woman (or man) on this planet who would be happy with your arrangement—especially the sleepovers (chaste or not!). And yes, it's very, very bad that you cheated on him, but I'm assuming your little mistake isn't phoning in on a daily basis. As for your man "accidentally" nailing his ex . . . well, that's a concept too infuriating to even address.
The bottom line is, if your boyfriend is doing something that is hurtful to you (which he is), he should stop it immediately. You are supposed to be the most important woman in his life (besides his mommy). Shouldn't he be more worried about offending you and ruining the relationship he's in than blowing off some slag he used to sleep with? It's not as though you want him to cut off all contact; you just (understandably) want him to take it down a few dozen notches. Jeez. You're obviously dating one of those infuriatingly passive people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Between the coitus accidentus and his feigned inability to tell these women to fuck off, your only hope lies in your young jellyfish growing himself a spine.
Take action! Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.