Crushed by a Crush

Where to start? I have been flirting off and on with "Deb" for over three years, and the only thing I can think of that kept us apart was her now ex-boyfriend. They broke up about three and a half months ago, and she is certain she is done with him. We went out about two weeks ago and had a wonderful time; I even got the booty, and we both agreed it was wonderful. We spent the next two weeks together and had a marathon of great sex. The problem is, she woke up Saturday, after drinking heavily with friends and inviting me over late at night, and things felt weird and different. We sat down and had a deep talk about our old relationships and how great our relationship is. The sex is wonderful, and we really do have a lot of fun together. We enjoy and have the same views on a number of topics including my favorite, politics.

Sunday night she invited me over and said she wanted to be celibate and that she was feeling confused and needed some time. I agreed, but now I am only left feeling insecure and depressed. I just moved and have been living by myself for the past few days and am very lonely. I'm not gonna call her until she calls me, because I explained how I felt and told her I loved her.

I know she needs time, but I haven't been this sad about a girl in a long time. I'm analyzing everything I ever said to her over the last two weeks and am trying to think of what I did. I know that's crazy and I need to just chill. I'm only looking for some advice I'm sure I already know, but sometimes that can help.

Kinda Sleepless in Minneapolis

Where to start, indeed! First of all, can we declare a moratorium on dumping people with the excuse that you've decided to be celibate for a while? Please? Do you (and I'm not talking to you, Kinda, but to the chick who dumped you) honestly think anyone buys that? At least say you've found the Lord or girls or have some foul-smelling gynecological condition that makes it impossible for you to put penises up inside you. But celibacy? Nope. Not gonna fly. Especially as we kick off October—also known in some circles as National Orgasm Month.

(I know. Until I got a press release announcing it, I had no idea October was National Orgasm Month, either.)

In honor of NOM (let's embrace the acronym, shall we?), I suggest you buy yourself the biggest, gnarliest stack of porn you can find. I'm talking magazines, DVDs, and maybe even one of those creepy latex vaginas. Subscribe to suicidegirls.com and any other naked lady Web site you can afford. And don't forget the lube (don't want to chap)! Make sure none of the porn contains anyone who reminds you of "Deb." Why? Because she's history. After you've laid in a nice supply of filth, march down to your local convenience store and stock up on all your favorite snack foods, basic nutrition be damned. Be sure to buy enough for an entire weekend, because you probably won't be leaving the house.

You have to quit beating yourself up. It sounds like you were honest and open, and that sort of behavior should be encouraged. For whatever reason, this chick is not ready or willing to git with you. Don't waste another second feeling bad about yourself; it's just one of those things of which there are far too many. How many times have I thought I found Mr. Wonderful and wound up with Mr. One-Night Stand instead? Answer: far too many times. I know how disappointing it is to come so close with someone you like so much, only to have it turn to shit in front of your eyes. The only cure for this particular brand of heartache is time. Well, time and copious amounts of masturbation.

So settle in somewhere comfy, pop open a beer, and hit "play." Anytime you start to think about her, switch mediums and move on. Have a Cheez Doodle. When the movies quit working, move on to the Internet. The second the computer screen gets dull, crack open a magazine. Now touch it—c'mon! Touch it!

Sick of celibacy? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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