Dullest Dategirl

It seems that whenever you start getting steady porking, your columns become boring. Your Sept. 15 column was both boring and depressing. You should have told that girl to go find a girlfriend if she couldn't find a boyfriend. Anyhow, I hope you get back to basics—sticking the pork to the pig.

Arnold

Oddly enough, I was thumbing through Jane magazine right after reading your disturbing little note and came across this factoid: "Being in love doesn't just make you swoon—it also makes you stupid. A new study found that romantic feelings inhibit parts of the brain responsible for critical thinking."

So maybe you have a point. Perhaps near-constant uglies-bumping with a large, handsome Greek man has dulled my brain. But really—let's take a walk down memory lane before we start giving Judes a hard time about finally finding a nice (for now!) boyfriend. I've been writing this column for four and a half years. Over that time, I've had three official boyfriends plus several boyfriend-lite encounters and countless first dates. Have you forgotten about the man who shat himself in my bed? I sure haven't. Then there was the sociopathic closet case who professed to "love" me, yet wouldn't fuck me because my naked body "repulsed" him. Another winner borrowed money from me on my birthday and, instead of using it to buy me a gift, used it to purchase himself dozens of alcoholic beverages. Then there was the wrongheaded youngster who spent one evening pawing my ass and kissing me, only to inform me that we were "just friends" and I was obviously deranged when I rightfully expected booty to follow.

Do I really need to go on? OK, how about the stockbroker who, in a fit of completely illogical logic, lied about his profession, claiming he was a writer, because he thought that would make me more likely to do him (presumably up against my typewriter). Or the mook who actually was a writer and showed up for the date that he'd asked me on without even enough cash to spring for his own domestic beer. Then there was the semireformed ecstasy addict who spent our one and only date droning on about how HIV doesn't really cause AIDS and how he didn't believe in using condoms. Check, please!

So, yes, I have a nice boyfriend, but c'mon . . . don't you think I've earned him?

I had not been dating for more than a year, because I simply couldn't afford to. Thankfully, I finally landed a great-paying job back in May. I'm a decent-looking guy and in good shape, so I was excited to get back into the dating scene.

But after the fix-ups, Internet dates, and chance meetings, I'm exhausted! I have some sidesplitting stories to tell but, sadly, no romantic ones. Many people I share these stories with say I'm too "picky."

Well, am I? Here is a short list of what I call deal breakers: not being picky, drug use, STDs, people making life decisions based on astrology, people who never exercise, people who are separated but still married, and people who have been married "accidentally" several times!

I refuse to go out on another fix-up or Internet date! I'm going to take a break and join organizations that allow me to do the things I enjoy and leave it at that.

Singled Out in Seattle

Anyone who says you're too picky obviously hasn't indulged in the exercise of humiliation that is dating. Your problem isn't that you're too selective, it's that you need an attitude adjustment. You were off the market for over a year; it's dues-paying time!

Besides all that, can't you appreciate the material you're being handed? And at what cost to you? A few bucks and a couple hours of your time once or twice a week, and you'll have enough fodder to entertain your friends for years! I'd say that's a worthy investment. You'll do a lot better if you look at each date not as the possibility of love everlasting but as an experiment in just how many laughs you'll be able to get out of it. That way you're not putting all this pressure on yourself or the poor woman sitting across from you. In other words, quit being such a whiner and get out there.

Fed up with fix-ups? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
comments powered by Disqus