Love Is the Drug

Let's see, where to begin? I am lonely, and my hormones seem to control me. My problem is I am just looking for a friend with benefits. I just went into remission from cancer. My hair is growing back from being on chemo and I have a 12-inch scar on my abdomen, so I am worried about rejection. I still have needs, even though my health is just getting better. I do have a wig, so I can be attractive, but I am a size 14.

I guess my question is, should I try dating or keep on waiting?

I also have a personal ad on a Web site that is just for meeting people for sex; do you think that is safe?

Lonely in Renton

First of all, take your ad down from that Web site. You're going to be deluged with so many freaks (not that there might not be a legit guy or two amongst the masses) that it'll put you off men altogether. Seriously.

You say what you're looking for is a friend with benefits. "Friend" is a big part of that equation. You don't want some creepy stranger all up in your business, do you? Well, maybe you do, but I doubt it. Not when there are so many nice men running around. Instead, take a long, hard look at your current stable of male pals. Are any of them single? Any of them flirty? Ask around and you might find a prime candidate.

Meanwhile, purchase a vibrator immediately. Toys in Babeland has an excellent store in Capitol Hill, staffed with kind, cute, knowledgeable ladies who will hook you right up. If you're too shy to go to their store (though you shouldn't be; they really are nice!), check out their Web site (www.toysinbabeland.com) and order away. Everything comes packaged discreetly.

Unlike fingers, which can take a while, a vibrator will get most women off within a few minutes. Having constant, self- induced orgasms will smooth the edge of desperation off you and make it far more likely that you'll be able to meet someone to have actual one-on-one booty-knocking sex with. Because believe me, a sexy, amorous woman is an attractive prospect; a frothing-at-the-crotch leg humper, is considerably less attractive.

You talk about this horrible scar on your belly, but I've always been of the opinion that far from being a turnoff, scars make a face or body more interesting. Yours especially. It's a physical reminder of all you've been through and how far you've come. Anyone worth bumping uglies with will realize this. And yes, this may ring shallow coming from someone who is relatively unscarred, but everyone has something they're self-conscious about.

Another thing you should realize is that size 14 is pretty much the average size of American women, so don't feel self- conscious about that. Look around—there are plenty of chubby people getting busy! I'm not saying you shouldn't try to lose weight if you don't feel good about your body; you're talking to someone who just dropped 26 pounds using Weight Watchers and a thrice-weekly boxing workout. And while I definitely look better (and smaller), the biggest difference the weight loss made was with my confidence. Which, understandably, is where your main problem lies.

You've been through a lot and should probably spend a little time trying to shore up your self-image. If the wig makes you feel better, wear it, but perhaps you should see how you look with a head full of stubble. My sister had a shaved head for years, and it was quite a fetching look.

Another confidence booster I like to practice (and yes, I'm aware how psychotic this sounds) is, as I'm walking down the street, quietly repeating aloud, "I'm the bomb, I'm the bomb, I'm the bomb . . . , " over and over. If you're shy and afraid that people might hear you and think you're crazy (but really—who cares! You survived cancer! Yay, you!), you can always just tell it to yourself inside your head.

Once you're feeling a bit peppier and full of yourself, then it's time to start looking for love on a nice, nonperverted Web site. Because even for us relatively unscathed types, dating is a grueling exercise in humiliation. I just don't want the thoughtless words of some horny retard to get you down.

Anyway, congrats on the remission and best wishes for a speedy and sexually sated recovery.

Feeling down? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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