Closure, Schmosure

I am trying to get over a one-and-a-half-year relationship with a girl who clams up when she is mad. She won't answer my phone calls, and after two months of this nonsense, I sent her an angry and nasty text message. Another two months have passed and I am still thinking of her, when all I really want is to move on with my life. I had some of the best times of my life with her, and it is really difficult to throw away a good year-plus spent with someone I thought was "the one." I definitely have some unresolved issues with her, but she does not want to talk. So, what is the best way to get over a girl?

Sincerely,

Ray

Oooooh, I have to admit, her behavior would make me mental. I am queen of getting the last word in, and if I were dealing with someone like your ex, my brain would wind up splattered all over my apartment walls because I am quite certain that my head would explode. People like them shouldn't date people like us.

I salute your restraint in waiting two whole months to send the nasty text message! Damn! I would've broken far sooner than that. My friend Julie always laughs at me because the morning after I have the Big Breakup Fight with a boyfriend, I always supplement it with an excoriating e-mail follow-up. It's to the point where I'll be filling her in on the horrible argument details, and she'll just sigh and demand that I forward the e-mail that I've inevitably already sent him. But I mean, really-what if the man who done me wrong has forgotten some of the very valid points I made regarding his character deficiencies? Isn't it better that I provide him with a handy printable version of the truth? I sure think so.

What people like you and me are looking for in situations like this is that ever-elusive sense of closure. You think that if you knew precisely why your ex dumped you, you'd understand all and be at peace. But the cruel reality is that closure is completely overrated and usually only serves to makes you feel crappier about yourself. Here are some examples of closure that I've been on the receiving end of:

"I don't love you; I don't think I ever did." (This after six years together, half of them spent living within the same four walls.)

"I just can't picture having sex with you. The thought of your naked body makes me squeamish." (There's a reserved table in hell for this jackass.)

"Can I have a picture of your sister?" (Make that a table for two.)

This saunter down memory lane is making me very grouchy, so I'm going to stop. I think you get the gist, which is: That which we don't know can't hurt us. That which we do know can eviscerate.

And so you must move on. The all-time best way to get over a girl (or guy) is to go get yourself a new one. It's been four months-time to get back in the game. The first thing you do is reintroduce yourself to basic grooming habits. That's right. Start showering and shaving daily. Throw out all your T-shirts that have beer or pit stains, and go buy yourself a snazzy little outfit. Then-and forgive me because I know I've said it a million times-go write yourself an online personal. Even if you're one of those dreary types who find them reprehensible (bear in mind, I met my latest Special Naked Friend this way), at least it'll give you dating practice. Which is what you need.

You should also acquire a hobby-preferably one that is physically demanding. A man who spends his time climbing rocks or working out on a heavy bag is a man who cares less whether or not his passive-aggressive ex ever calls him again. Plus, you'll get in even better shape, you'll start looking great (dressed in your snazzy new outfit), and soon Silent Sally will be a vague, distasteful memory.

Don't suffer in silence. Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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