I was cruising the Web the other day and found a very amusing article called "25 Things Women Wish Men Knew" on the MSN site. Predictably, it was mostly crap, but it got me thinking that I should do my very own version. Mine is a bit shorter (only 20!), but I think you'll find it infinitely useful—clip and save!
1. What not to write when you respond to someone's personal ad: "I am fairly fucked up. I am still in therapy and on some mild meds, but I am not a Woody Allen–esque neurotic mess." Yes, someone actually sent that to me. No, I did not go out with him.
2. Know when to lie. Honesty is the most overrated virtue. I'm not saying you should be a duplicitous shitbag, but we don't need to know that you have a crush on our sister or that your last girlfriend was a stripper.
3. Learn our anatomy. Even if you think you know what you're grabbing, buy a book and make sure. Ask questions, and listen to the answers.
4. Just because we're dames doesn't mean we always want to yap about our feelings. Sometimes we just want you to shut it and go down on us.
5. Don't ask questions you don't really wanna know the answers to. Do you really want to know if yours is the biggest wiener that's ever been up in our business? Probably not.
6. Sometimes we just want to fuck. Three-hundred thread count sheets and mood lighting is good and all, but ain't nothing wrong with being pushed up against the alley wall once in a while, either.
7. You don't need to get rid of it, but keep the ex-girlfriend detritus tucked away out of our sight. I had a boyfriend show me a nude photo of his ex. She was hot. I felt threatened. There were problems.
8. Don't assume anything. Maybe everything's going great, but that's no reason to start taking a lady for granted.
9. We can tell if you're trying to sneak it up the pooper. This is a trick pulled mainly by men during their college years and is never successful. Though only an inch or so separates the two orifices, a dick in your vagina and a cock up yer bum feel worlds apart. If you want to bang us in the can, just ask.
10. We have hairs in places you'd probably never imagine. We're all descended from apes, so don't get skeeved if you come across a stray wisp sprouting out of the nip or couple fringing the butthole.
11. Speaking of hair, if you want us to wax—you first. There's nothing fun about having hot wax poured on your delicate bits and then having the hairs ripped out by the roots. I don't care if Jenna Jameson does it. She gets paid a lot more to fuck than we do.
12. Not all of us are hell-bent on breeding. In fact, some of us actively hate babies. That doesn't make us weird.
13. Compliments are always welcome. Go ahead, pile them on. No such thing as too much flattery. But when you're just blowing smoke up our ass because we're cranky, we may smack you one. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. The Girl of Date does not endorse violence of any sort.)
14. Don't give us a hard time about using condoms. We live in viral times. Deal.
15. If we dump you because you treated us like crap, don't call months or years later telling us how stupid you were to have let us go and how you're a much saner/nicer guy now. It'll just make us want to hit you. (And probably not in a metaphorical kind of way, either.)
16. If we're moronic enough to ask you if we look fat in this outfit, we deserve to be told yes. Even if we don't.
17. Learn the art of the sincere apology. Once learned, use it once in a while.
18. While we're in learning mode, discern the difference between "nice" and "pantywaist."
19. A nice orgasm is the best cramp reliever. Don't be squeamish about the Red Menace.
20. Enjoying a finger up your bum doesn't make you gay. (Unless the finger is attached to another guy.)
Don't be squeamish: Write Dategirl at email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.