Sign Language

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

The oak tree's tenacious roots wormed their way into the basement of the family home; they then slowly fattened to the point where they cracked the foundation of the building. Something similar (as innocuous, perhaps even as beautiful, as a healthy oak) has been insinuating itself into your awareness and could possibly be on the verge of permanently damaging some of the philosophies that support your life. When searching for solutions to this dilemma, however, I would stop short of moving your abode or chopping down the tree (which is essentially innocent). Perhaps you could simply reinforce the foundations so they're root-resistant or remodel your house so it makes use of the oak's strength to support it. This could be a blessing in disguise; assume it is until proven otherwise.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essen­tially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, thankfully, are two different things. Your stretchy malleability is more resilient than you imagine, more like spider silk than spun sugar. So you're still not in a position to construct a skyscraper; however, bridges, amusement park rides, and soft landing pads are all possible. Opt for one or more of those.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Undermine your opponents from within, by supporting them. When a hate-filled Fundamentalist came to speak at their college, some friends of mine dressed conservatively and came to facilitate the function. At the door, they cheerfully greeted people and handed out programs that appeared to advertise and praise the visiting orator; upon closer inspection, they were actually shamelessly offensive celebrations of his most offensive words and acts. An earnest protest would be mostly in­effective and pointless this week; therefore, be more creative. If you can't beat them, join them. Your audacious, over-the-top advocacy would more effectively scare off your adversary's potential allies than your opposition ever could.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Thank you for your blood, your warm, delicious, red blood. That's the song of praise the mosquitoes are singing right now, along with all the other para­sites that have latched onto your delectable flesh. Personally, I slap the little fuckers dead. My karmic obligation to other beings ends when they attack; at that point, it's just plain self-defense. That's why I can't help questioning your passive acceptance of their vampirism. Sure, you've got plenty of blood, and you could put up with a little itching—but why should you? Don't sit back and watch the leeches drain you dry. You've got a right to stick up for yourself, and this week, you should.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Suddenly your life has started to resemble a tale by Lemony Snicket or Edward Gorey; black humor is everywhere—and that's just how you like it. Life is full of misery and bad fortune, as you Scorpios know all too well, and ultimately the only sane response is to find the humor in it. Don't let anyone sell you their optimistic surrealism; it won't work for you. Shit happens; you know it. If you can't quite remember how to laugh at it (or at least grin), take in a dark fairy tale or two this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You're the Tin Man badly in need of lubricant this week. You're not used to being so stiff and rusted stuck, and ultimately helpless, so you don't know that people need to be asked for aid before they'll help you. They're not psychic enough to know you need them, especially because your famed independence makes that so rarely the case. Since there's no way you can extricate yourself from the situation you're in without some help, start request­ing it. At first it might come out as incomprehen­sible as the Tin Man's pleas for "ooooiiiiilllllll," but eventually someone'll get it, and you'll finally be freed from your immobility and able to continue on your way (perhaps in their company).

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Your tool box is missing a few very essential items, like a Phillips-head screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of pliers. Maybe someone borrowed them and forgot to return them, leaving a bunch of eminently useful but less-versatile implements at your disposal, like a dildo, a level, and a voltage tester. I don't mean to be too obtuse with my metaphors; after all, how can someone take away your skills? They can't. However, they can abscond with your confidence or revoke some unspoken permission to make use of those skills. If that's the case, get that shit back, and fast, because you'll be needing that stuff soon, and you'll be mighty sad if you don't have it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Aquarians are almost never especially shy, which is why this little flood of bashfulness is surprising. What's happened to you that you've become so blushy and retiring? What can we do to boost your confidence levels back to their former state? Perhaps it might help to tell you that half of your beauty, charm, and magnetism is generated by your self-assurance. In other words, you're as sexy and appealing as you believe yourself to be. I've seen how effective that poise can be; you draw people to you effortlessly when you're on top of your game. Stop doubting yourself. You've still got it; all you've got to do is use it.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

So your external reality is far less than ideal. What else is new? You have compelling reasons to conform to and accommodate it, especially because it's only a temporary situation. Luckily, you're an amalgamation of all the other signs. Make use of those pieces of yourself. Channel the drive of a Leo. You can also dip into your internal Capricorn for a bit of grit, responsibility, and stubborn determination to make it through, and take a cue from your inner Aries to try and play with it and make it fun, against all odds. In other words, you've got tremendous resources at your disposal; use them.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Whenever you become aware of it, you're awed by the gestures of generosity and indulgence extended to you by others. At that point, you may respond in a knee-jerk fashion and repudiate them, so you can cease feeling so unworthy. Resist that, as it's an insultingly simple "solution" that only reinforces those crappy feelings. Instead, make yourself feel deserving of all the gifts (metaphorical and otherwise) you receive. This could be as simple as raising your karmic levels through good deeds, or merely saying "thank you." Whatever works. Turning away offerings isn't the solution; the answer is getting yourself to a place where you can graciously and guiltlessly accept them.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

When you're a child, people who love you keep close track of your progress. They mark your growth on a wall, post your report cards on the refrigerator, and share your artwork with their friends. You may think you've outgrown that sort of stuff, but what you actually secretly need (if only you'd admit it to yourself) is a little outside validation for all the good shit you've been up to. The funny irony is that there are several people who've been longing to give you a pat on the back, or even an award of some kind—except they're convinced you'd find it too cheesy. Cheesy it may be, but you deserve (and require) recognition right now, so let them know it'd be OK to give it to you.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Sometimes you feel exactly like you're playing the part of yourself in a movie and watching the movie at the same time. This feeling of disconnection and disembodiment has been growing more frequent, sadly—but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's simply a sign that you're not doing the things that really bring you back to yourself, that make your skin fit you perfectly. Now that you've noticed, you can deliberately restyle your life (which probably has too much space and slack time in it, anyway) to include more of the things that make you feel like you.

 
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