Cancer (June 21–July 22)
The oak tree's tenacious roots wormed their way into the basement of the family home; they then slowly fattened to the point where they cracked the foundation of the building. Something similar (as innocuous, perhaps even as beautiful, as a healthy oak) has been insinuating itself into your awareness and could possibly be on the verge of permanently damaging some of the philosophies that support your life. When searching for solutions to this dilemma, however, I would stop short of moving your abode or chopping down the tree (which is essentially innocent). Perhaps you could simply reinforce the foundations so they're root-resistant or remodel your house so it makes use of the oak's strength to support it. This could be a blessing in disguise; assume it is until proven otherwise.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
The plethora of powerful allies and supporters surrounding you at the moment may seem essentially inconsequential. You could have trouble noticing or appreciating them this week because you feel so weak, soft, and gooey inside. What use are steel girders for propping up marshmallows? How you feel and how you are, thankfully, are two different things. Your stretchy malleability is more resilient than you imagine, more like spider silk than spun sugar. So you're still not in a position to construct a skyscraper; however, bridges, amusement park rides, and soft landing pads are all possible. Opt for one or more of those.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Undermine your opponents from within, by supporting them. When a hate-filled Fundamentalist came to speak at their college, some friends of mine dressed conservatively and came to facilitate the function. At the door, they cheerfully greeted people and handed out programs that appeared to advertise and praise the visiting orator; upon closer inspection, they were actually shamelessly offensive celebrations of his most offensive words and acts. An earnest protest would be mostly ineffective and pointless this week; therefore, be more creative. If you can't beat them, join them. Your audacious, over-the-top advocacy would more effectively scare off your adversary's potential allies than your opposition ever could.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Thank you for your blood, your warm, delicious, red blood. That's the song of praise the mosquitoes are singing right now, along with all the other parasites that have latched onto your delectable flesh. Personally, I slap the little fuckers dead. My karmic obligation to other beings ends when they attack; at that point, it's just plain self-defense. That's why I can't help questioning your passive acceptance of their vampirism. Sure, you've got plenty of blood, and you could put up with a little itching—but why should you? Don't sit back and watch the leeches drain you dry. You've got a right to stick up for yourself, and this week, you should.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Suddenly your life has started to resemble a tale by Lemony Snicket or Edward Gorey; black humor is everywhere—and that's just how you like it. Life is full of misery and bad fortune, as you Scorpios know all too well, and ultimately the only sane response is to find the humor in it. Don't let anyone sell you their optimistic surrealism; it won't work for you. Shit happens; you know it. If you can't quite remember how to laugh at it (or at least grin), take in a dark fairy tale or two this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
You're the Tin Man badly in need of lubricant this week. You're not used to being so stiff and rusted stuck, and ultimately helpless, so you don't know that people need to be asked for aid before they'll help you. They're not psychic enough to know you need them, especially because your famed independence makes that so rarely the case. Since there's no way you can extricate yourself from the situation you're in without some help, start requesting it. At first it might come out as incomprehensible as the Tin Man's pleas for "ooooiiiiilllllll," but eventually someone'll get it, and you'll finally be freed from your immobility and able to continue on your way (perhaps in their company).
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Your tool box is missing a few very essential items, like a Phillips-head screwdriver, a hammer, and a pair of pliers. Maybe someone borrowed them and forgot to return them, leaving a bunch of eminently useful but less-versatile implements at your disposal, like a dildo, a level, and a voltage tester. I don't mean to be too obtuse with my metaphors; after all, how can someone take away your skills? They can't. However, they can abscond with your confidence or revoke some unspoken permission to make use of those skills. If that's the case, get that shit back, and fast, because you'll be needing that stuff soon, and you'll be mighty sad if you don't have it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Aquarians are almost never especially shy, which is why this little flood of bashfulness is surprising. What's happened to you that you've become so blushy and retiring? What can we do to boost your confidence levels back to their former state? Perhaps it might help to tell you that half of your beauty, charm, and magnetism is generated by your self-assurance. In other words, you're as sexy and appealing as you believe yourself to be. I've seen how effective that poise can be; you draw people to you effortlessly when you're on top of your game. Stop doubting yourself. You've still got it; all you've got to do is use it.
